Are you hoping to become as chubby as Santa this holiday season? If so, you’ll love all the delicious, high-fat treats in store for you. The best present you can give yourself is the gift of gluttony! Just in case you haven’t figured it out on your own, here are the top tips to help you pack on the winter pounds.
1. When you drive to the mall to do your holiday shopping, circle around the lot for as long as necessary until you find that prime parking spot near the entrance. Better yet, slide into the conveniently-located handicapped parking spot–Santa won’t tell on you.
2. While you’re at the mall, make sure you pay a visit to the food court. Choose something deep-fried in fat, with plenty of melted cheddar and extra bacon.
3. Creamy pumpkin lattes, foaming eggnog drinks, spicy gingerbread cocoa…the holiday season is the perfect time for coffee shops to entice you. Don’t fight them. Instead, try every seasonal drink on the menu at least once.
4. Starve yourself for at least six hours before showing up to a holiday party. That way, you can make the most of the pecan pie, chocolate fruit cake and flaming plum pudding.
5. At those holiday parties, snack on a bit of everything, even if the buffet offers the same recipes you’ve tasted before. You never know–the turkey stuffing here might use a different kind of sage.
6. Never get too far away from the food buffet. You don’t want to have to keep walking over when you need a refill. Just lurk and munch.
7. With all those parties and celebrations, holidays can be stressful times. If the stress starts to get you down, take some time out to relax with a slice of cranberry meringue pie.
8. Is all the chatter and caroling making you thirsty? Sip on coffee, hot chocolate and alcohol instead of water.
9. Are your friends bugging you to work off the holiday blubber at the gym? Face it: you don’t have time to exercise, so there’s no point even trying.
If you faithfully follow these tips, you’ll waddle into the new year with oodles of gluttonous memories…and plenty of material for your New Year’s resolution. Let the holiday hoopla begin!