Every woman I have ever been with has complained about the discomfort I cause her because of my enormous thingy. I’d rather not go under the knife and wondered if you could suggest an alternative?
Big Don, Canberra
Dear Big Don,
Why don’t your try making love to your lady friends with some imagination instead of just your thingy? Men with large imaginations are very well thought of amongst the girlies.
I am an avid collector, a hobby I took up as a child, and have collections of coins, stamps, animal prints and Norwegian comic books. This has never caused any problems with my wife, though our attic is understandably crowded. Now, however, she has objected to my collection of Ugandan ladies’ underwear which I believe to be of great historical importance. She is accusing me of all sorts of perversion though, frankly, I find my stamps give me a greater sexual thrill than scraps of damp cotton. Can you help?
I think your wife’s worries lie in the fact that you know only one Ugandan lady, Mrs Glenda Umbole, and the underwear you collect is exclusively hers. If you broadened your scope to include other Ugandan women I’m sure your wife’s suspicions would be allayed.
I know you will find this hard to believe, but I am not human. My name is Benzig and I come from the planet Yualj in the Alpha Centauri system. I was beamed here by accident during an experiment in teleportation. That was when I was a child and I was brought up here by a Terran couple. I had a very happy childhood but now I have reached sexual maturity and am eager to find a mate. Do you know where I can find a fellow Yualjan to indulge my increasing sexual desires with?
Your column seems to be obsessed with sex, but I suppose you cannot be blamed for this as it only reflects your reader’s concerns. In any case, my query is not about sex, but food. Which foods should you avoid before indulging in naughtiness?
In an ideal world you should refrain from eating for several months before getting down to business but recent research has revealed that this frequently leads to death and so should be avoided. Best to stay away from baked beans though, methinks.