Thursday, December 14

10 Most Painful Shoes Ever Created

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Shoes are much, much more to most women than just a shield between our feet and the elements. Something about a great pair of shoes makes you walk more confidently, project a certain aura, and even take on an air of power. Boots, pumps, platforms, sandals, ballet flats, or driving mocs: great shoes can transform a look and an attitude. And then there are these 10:

1. Wooden Roman Stiletto Stilts

Cleopatra would take one look at these and go, “Um, I don’t think so.” They slightly resemble the gladiator styles that have been popular in recent years, and the wooden backs would make good splints for when you inevitably break a limb wearing these things, but yeah, they’re more of an art installation than actual footwear.

2. Pokemon Pikachu Platforms

These aren’t just any platforms: they’re tall enough to hold a Game Boy, sideways. There’s also room for a handy action figure, and plenty of room on which to scrawl the number of your orthopedist.

3. Shoes with a Bite

Nope, we’re not talking about Crocs. These are Converse sneakers that have been made over to resemble alligator heads, with teeth and everything. Presumably you can not only stomp on the toes of your enemy, but bite them as well, from a standing position.

4. LEGO Shoes

Have you ever stepped on a stray LEGO brick accidentally? Then you have some idea of the pain that’s in store when you wear these primary colored pumps. The color scheme is actually gorgeous – more Mondrian than toybox, but don’t kid yourself: You could make a shoe out of LEGOs that would be more comfortable.

5. Meccano

These are a far cry from the steel-toed safety shoes that industrial workers wear, because they’re not so much designed to protect your feet as to maim them. Try wearing them through the metal detectors at the airports and then blog about the experience.

6. Claw Heels

Black, knee-high boots are almost universally coveted, particularly with dangerously high heels. These, however, have giant faux claws for heels, and nothing whatsoever from midsole to toes. You could conceivably hurt someone else with these enough that they would understand the level of pain involved in wearing them, however.

7. A Different Kind of Spike Heels

These shoes should probably be classified as deadly weapons, because one swift kick to the groin would take down even the toughest attacker. The pattern of puncture marks would probably make for interesting evidence in a court of law, too.

8. Red Platform Boots

Sounds pretty innocuous, right? Bzzt. Wrong! When the platform is about a foot high, you not only risk towering over your date, the NBA center, but also of enriching the health care system, one orthopedic surgeon at a time.

9. Wearable Art Shoes

While these shoes are actually pretty reasonable as far as extreme footwear goes, they’re so beautiful you’ll want to build a display case for them rather than wear them on some dirty, icky floor. By Salvatore Ferragamo, they deserve to be curated, rather than bought.

10. Two Feet on Banana Peels

Designed by the Israeli artist Kobi Levi, these shoes are cute enough to have the young and the fashion-obsessed clamoring for a way to buy them. (You can’t.) Like something from Alice in Wonderland, they’re a footwear fantasy come to life.

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