Thursday, December 14

Willie The Wise: Undies & Invisibility

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FLOUR

Dear Willie,

My wife has recently started attending baking classes run by a young chap who is said to be a master baker.  I understand that baking involves flour but wonder why my wife returns home from these lessons with floury hand-prints on her bottom.  I suspect hanky panky but am loathe to make any accusations without further proof.  Do you think I should employ a private detective?

Greg, Toronto

Dear Greg,

I am sure that these floury hand prints are totally innocent.  You must take in to account that the flour is used to make dough which requires to be kneaded to reach the required consistency.  This master baker chap is obviously demonstrating kneading techniques using your wife’s bottom and not enjoying himself at all.  Bakers are well known to be obsessed with boobies and not interested in bottoms in any way.  Only if she returns with floury handprints on her blouse would I worry.

Willie

INVISIBLE

Dear Willie,

I am desperately in love with a girl who totally ignores me and treats me as if I was invisible.  What can I do?

Jim, Dundee

Dear Jim,

Maybe you are invisible.  This would be a very handy talent to have if you fancied a career as a bank robber.  Look on the bright side.

Willie

ILLEGAL

Dear Willie,

I am sixteen and my boyfriend, who is the same age, says that the age of sexual consent only applies to full sex and that I could perform another filthy act and it would be legal.  Surely this can’t be right.  I can’t even believe adult women do that.  I wouldn’t do it even if I was thirty.

Candy, NY

Dear Candy,

I am assuming that your boyfriend is asking you to display your abilities to fellate.  Please inform him that if he forces you to perform this against your wishes he will end up in a place where large, tattooed men will expect the same from him.

Willie

UNDIES

Dear Willie,

My husband likes to wear women’s underwear and I am quite happy about his as he tells me it is not sexual but merely for comfort.  The thing is he won’t wear my undies but borrows them from friend’s wives.  In fact he and his friends have a little club which allows them all to swap round their wives’ panties.  To be honest I don’t like all of his friends and the thought that one of them could be walking around in my underwear makes me slightly sick.  What are your thoughts?

Sybil, Lyon

Dear Sybil,

Men wearing women’s underwear is definitely not sexual.  It is however uncomfortable.  Make this worse by giving your husband ridiculously tiny thongs to pass on to his friends.  The ones walking  awkwardly will be the ones that ended up with your ‘swaps’.

Willie

CONCERNED

Dear Willie,

My husband subscribes to a magazine, Nymphomaniac’s Monthly,  as he claims to be very concerned about the plight of these many poor women.  They do indeed seem to be suffering greatly as can be seen by the pictorials of the countless strange positions they have to adopt to alleviate their condition.  My friend, Marjorie, however, says that my husband only reads this magazine to fulfil his sexual fantasies.  Surely this cannot be right as I, as his wife, am there to fulfil any of his filthy desires?  Can you please confirm that Bob is only showing his kind nature by reading this publication?

Doris, Alabama

Dear Doris,

You are absolutely right in your assumption that Bob is one of the good guys.  Any man who could derive sexual pleasure from watching naked women contort their bodies in a libidinous manner is a cad and a scoundrel.  I would like to investigate this matter further and would appreciate you sending me the address of this worthy magazine’s offices, especially the subscriptions department.

Willie

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