Monday, December 11

Willie The Wise: Science Fiction & Yoga

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Dear Willie,

We have a handsome, young chap who comes round to clean our windows every fortnight.  Yesterday, on finishing his work, he asked me if I fancied some ‘fun’.  Of course, I was flattered as I have been married for 20 years, am in my 40s and  a little overweight.  I giggled girlishly and nodded assent before rushing upstairs to change into something more appropriate for said ‘fun’.  Imagine my disappointment then, when I returned in a satin negligee, to find my window cleaner dealing out a pack of cards on the coffee table.  What are the younger generation coming to, when an older woman can’t have her carnal demands satisfied by a tradesman?  Of course I threw the young chap out as I can play bridge perfectly well with my friends, but I now fear that he will not return and my windows will remain dirty, leading to comments from my neighbours..

Irene Bradshaw (Mrs), Bromley

Dear Irene,

This is merely a matter of failed communication and I think you acted out of haste.  You should have taken up the young man’s offer of a game of cards and subtly changed the game to strip poker, where you had an unfair advantage as you were already down to your negligent.



Dear Willie,

I think have discovered a way to make my fortune.  This is by manufacturing and marketing a unique product, shampoo for bald men.  I can guarantee that my product contains no harmful ingredients because, in fact, it has no ingredients at all and is just an empty bottle with a fancy label.  I know you’ll think this is a bit of a scam, but surely I can’t be doing anything illegal as I won’t make any false claims for my product and my disclaimers are excellent.  Place an ad for my shampoo on your column and I’ll give you a free bottle.

Pedro, Lima

Dear Pedro,

As you can see from my photo above I have no need of a shampoo for bald men no matter how harmless its ingredients might be.   You should note, however, that women traditionally spend more on body-care products than men so you might want to re-target  your potential clients.



Dear Willie,

My wife has recently taken up yoga and can now get herself into the most incredible positions.  However, whenever I try to take advantage of the many opportunities she now presents me with, she rejects me and says that her new agility is for her benefit and not mine.    What is the point in having a wife who can wrap her legs behind her neck if you can’t enjoy the benefits?

George, Vermont

Dear George,

I think you should take up the yogi yourself and get up to some contortions.  Your wife may then find you irresistible.



Dear Willie,

My husband has recently completed a scale model of the International Space Station in our garden and it is truly a work of art.  We intend holding a science fiction themed unveiling party next week to which many dignitaries are invited.  My husband will be dressing as Flash Gordon and I shall be Barbarella.  A powerful electric fan will provide the illusion of weightlessness and it is this which is causing the problem.  Our lady mayoress is rather overweight and I fear that our fan will not be powerful enough to raise her from the ground.  She is a personal friend and we did vote for her, so we would hate to disappoint her by leaving her earth-bound while others are floating in the air with their canapés.  Do you have any suggestions as to how we could resolve this?

Jillian, Corby

Dear Jillian,

I would have no worries as fat women often wear vast, voluminous dresses.  This huge area will provide a sufficient surface for your fan to take effect and lift up your woman.  If there are problems, I would suggest using the method employed by the space shuttle by providing supplementary solid rocket boosters, or in your circumstances, serving baked beans with the buffet.



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