Blessed Are The Farters…

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I am a legacy. In fact, my legacy will never ever be replaced by anyone as bold as I am. Well, any guy can do it actually, and the “grossy guy” in me. Ahh, you can never imagine the things I can do in public. There’s farting. Haha! Am I grossing you out now? Aww, ‘cmon, I’m not the only guilty one here. How many of you have done the same thing and blamed someone for doing it? I used to blame someone else, too. But seeing that no one enjoys being blamed, and farting seemed like one of the seven deadliest sins, i have decided to own up to it, take the blame, and enjoy the air. Yeah!

Im no fart aficionado but I can tell you some and some. For one thing, you can determine whether the fart’s going to be smelly or not–whether the smell resembles last year’s Christmas dinner, or whether it’s too clean, it actually purifies the air. Generally, the loud ones don’t really smell. But then again, it’s a case-to-case basis. We are all indeed unique, so the volume may or may not affect the aesthetic smell of human gas. It’s just that from my own experience, loud ones hardly smell.

I love loud farts! I’m a big fan, actually. Some people would let out a modest “prooooot!” and that’s it. Others would be a little bolder and a little flatter on the side, with a bit of bulk into it, something like “praaaaaat”, resembling that of a squelched big rubber ducky. Then I find the high-pitched, and the long drone of “proooooooooot” which goes a whole step higher as it runs out of air highly entertaining. Some very creative farters have mastered this art so much that they could fart in several variations. Really! My uncles can make the most creative versions that my farting sounds so amateur. Okay, so i just don’t love it and find it entertaining, but I also found out that it cleanses the soul…both literally and figuratively. I’ll spare you the details of the former, and the latter is something you can only experience if you are really in tune with the farter in you.

Now, as much as I love loud farting, I am not that type. I am more of a discreet, silent, but very smelly farter. Yep, exactly the kind of fart you can blame on others. (By now, you should’ve guessed my equation: loud farts = artificial air freshener while silent farts = aesthetic smells. Very scientific, huh?) But as I wrote earlier, I’m not afraid to take the blame. I love the feeling it gives me and I try to have fun with it as much as I can. On most occasions, I would let the fragrant air come out slowly and carefully. I imagine it as a thin column of air coming out of a tetra pack straw. Yes, I could let it out slow and easy. Suave, huh?!? (*winks*) Then there are those rare times when I’d put my hand exactly at the spot where the fart would come out and pretend like I can hold on to it, get as much of it with my hand, close it tight—and open it smack right at some naive person’s face. Isn’t that cool or what?

Then there’s the kind of fart that comes with something yellowish quasi greenish, solidish quasi liquidish substance (but that really is another story).

Anyway, I’ve had 9 farts since I started writing this entry, so rest assured that you are reading from out of a really fresh experience. 😉


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