Should You Reveal an Affair

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When in the midst of an affair one often desires to keep it a secret from everyone. Occasionally you get the rare soul who will dare take their lover out into public but usually not anywhere they would be easily recognized or known. But when the affair is over and you have chosen to stay in your marriage, the thought is do tell your spouse. Many things must be taken into consideration when approaching the very topic of admitting an affair.
Is there a chance your spouse doesn’t already suspect the affair. I don’t know too many women who don’t suspect it when it is happening. But suspecting and knowing are two different playing fields. You must be prepared for all the ramifications of admitting it. I for one think that if you want to continue in your marriage then you must be honest about what you have done. Otherwise you have once again built on an unstable foundation. If you fear your spouse would leave you if they knew, that was a consequence you were willing to face while in the affair. If you make the decision to tell you spouse, ensure the safety of you and your spouse, in a calm, respectful space. Make sure you can speak plainly and clearly, without laying blame on the spouse who was wronged. You made the choice to step outside your marriage, you take the responsibility for that act. Be ready for anger and mean words. They are wounded and will lash out accordingly. Be willing to move out if that is what they wish, to allow them space to process this revelation.
Acknowledge your failure in the marriage and accept their feelings as justifiable. No one is perfect, it takes two to make a marriage work but only one to break it. Some spouses may not be able to handle such a tremendous break in trust in the relationship.
Know that the admittance of such an act can be devastating to a spouse who may have been blind to the affair and all of its signs and signals. You will have a lot of explaining to do. Regardless of how the other spouse has behaved, an affair is never the answer, in actuality it is usually a bigger issue. If you are that unhappy with someone tell them why. Make an effort to do what you must to bring the relationship back to right. It took you both to get it here , it will take you both to make the conscious effort to fix it.
Not telling leaves you with a secret that could be even more devastating down the road. If you stay quiet and it comes to your spouse she/he has now been betrayed 2x by you. First by your affair and second by your inability to be honest that you made a mistake. There are few instances where admitting could be considered the wrong thing to do. If for some reason your spouse is mentally unstable already, or their health is in danger. The stress of an affair being revealed can cause traumatic reactions that could further stress the person or their health. So I am not saying never reveal but ensure the person is able to handle the news.
Most of all do it with love and safety as the main goal. Accept the feelings they will have, that will range from anger to depression. Also be prepared for them to respond by withholding their affection, as is their right.
Whatever you decided know that either way it is a life changing decision for you both. One you should admit, accept , and work through together whatever the outcome.


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