TV

X Factor 2010

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When 30-year-old single mother Shirlena Johnson, purred her way on stage and offered to show something different, it never came as a surprise. Simon Cowell had already told the audience that he was looking for people to express themselves and he wanted to see something that he had never seen before. Simon you should be careful what wish for. 

Worried Dermot O’Leary was left holding 3-year-old Mariah while Shirlena clawed the floor like Cat woman, singing Duffy’s song ‘Mercy’, to secure a place at boot camp.

When Shirlena told Simon that she came up with the cat’s idea for the song the night before, it got everyone thinking. All her actions were a replacement of the words she’d forgotten. She claimed that she had to improvise for her little girl who was watching the screens backstage. A matter of fact, little Mariah was doing her little performance backstage by pointing and shouting ‘Mummy’ with babysitter Dermot who seemed to be having a wonderful time in his new job. Next year I think I’ll bring my little ones too.

 The song ‘Mercy’, which turned out to be ‘MOSSY’ during her performance, was her own arrangement. In the end, Shirlena morphed her way into an evangelistic preacher, screaming and screeching at the judges to have mercy and release her.

‘It was like a musical exorcism wasn’t it? Everything was just coming out of your body,’ said Simon.

     ‘Yea,’ she nodded with a big grin on her face.

Well, her Leopard leggings were a dead giveaway and we weren’t too sure whether she was begging on her hands and knees, in every imaginary position, for a record release or there was something physically happening.

Nevertheless, the judges and the viewers couldn’t keep a straight face as Shirlena pranced about like Mr. Motivator, kicked like Legs & Co, purred like Eartha Kitt and shake her booty like Pussycat Dolls. I did rewind my telly until the screen went pitch black for five annoying minutes. Enough was enough!

‘I have to say I love you,’ said Simon. I truly think he did. Doesn’t she remind you of Sinitta? Another Eve to wear leaf at his next birthday party.

Louis Walsh put his two cents in; ‘I do too,’ he repeatedly bowed his head in agreement. Louis this is not a Muppet show! On the other hand, Shirlena proved to be too much competition for Cheryl. Simon had already shamed her by giving her a saucer of milk to highlight that she was also a valuable CAT.  Cheryl was gobsmacked and could only manage the word ‘NO’ for Shirlena.

With a dose of  tranquility, the judges managed to get more answers out of Shirlena. ‘What was all this release me?’ Simon asked.

‘Because I think it’s important for us to feel release somewhere, somehow, sometimes Simon,’ she giggled. That was when Shirlena won Simon and Louis over and we knew it was going to be two ‘Yeses’. Simon laughed under Cheryl’s armpit and admitted that he needed to be release sometimes and Louis and Simon wanted more. They were prepared to see what Shirlena would pull from the bag next time.

And after all that hype and prancing about, I’m disappointed that we won’t see Shirlena on the X Factor again. Fear that the 30-year-old might morph into Susan Boyle; she was dropped like a grenade, leaving us gagging for more. To put more salt into the wound, she was thrown out of this year’s Miss Great Britain competition. And so her hope was dashed. How cruel can other human being be?

It’s alleged that, after another hilarious performance of Lady Gaga’s song at boot camp and a look into her medical history, there was concern for her mental welfare. This is very upsetting for everyone and Saturday night won’t be the same without her.

Shirlena Johnson, you’re perfectly normal. Don’t let anyone defuse you! You only live once! So live life to the full and we hope you have a speedy recovery from this terrible fall and we’ll see you again. Somewhere…somehow…sometime.

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