Online Dating Diaries: How to Find Love By Putting Yourself First!

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Between my friends and men that I go on dates with, I’m often asked, “What do you look for in a guy?” This is a very important question that I’ve given a lot of thought to lately. Of course when I respond, I don’t want to sit there with a list so long that my date falls asleep at the table, but I also don’t want to leave out any of the necessary attributes I find essential for a successful relationship. After much deliberation, I’ve finally narrowed it down to just a few traits that absolutely must be present in my partner’s character: Loyalty/Faithfulness, Honesty/Trustworthiness, Communication, and Unselfishness. These are probably the most important to me based on previous relationships that have lacked these traits.

Although I have never been cheated on, I have been in relationships where I have had my suspicions that my partner was cheating and as far as I’m concerned, having suspicions led me into a personal Hell that I’m almost positive could be comparable to the emotional and mental torture brought on by the actual act itself. This is where the next essential trait comes in.

Honesty and Trustworthiness are also important because if my partner is hiding something from me or is in a situation where he feels like he cannot tell me the truth for whatever reason, then the way I see it, there is no point in being with that person.

Communication is also essential because both partners need to be able to have their needs and wants met. If both partners aren’t getting what they want out of the relationship, or if there is a conflict, they need to be able to communicate with each other in order to resolve the conflict to come up with the best possible outcome for each person.

Unselfishness is a big one that really resonates with me personally. I was in a relationship for a long time with a person I thought would do anything for anyone, and certainly anything for me. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that I could not have been any more wrong. At perhaps the lowest point in my life when I needed him the most, my ex selfishly turned his back on me after I had given up almost everything important to me in my life. I couldn’t believe what was happening! What came over him? Perhaps one of the most disappointing revelations of all came when I finally realized that this is who he was all along. For years he had hadn’t changed, he was always the same person; it just took me that long to realize it. This important moment (an “aha! moment”, as Oprah likes to call them), came for me when another man stepped into my life and through his actions and his character had shown me what was missing all along in what I had hoped I could so desperately instill into my ex: unselfishness.

While this is not a long list, and while I understand that other women’s lists of what they look for in a guy will vary (sometimes greatly) from mine, this is my own list. This list has been five years in the making and I’m very proud of myself for being able to narrow it down to just these four traits.


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