It is harder to walk away than to stay. This comes across time and again, as fear plays a part here too. In such relationships, fear rules the roost, and can hold a person going through this situation, like a grip of iron. But herein lies the problem. Many times I have come across women, and indeed even men who, although they may have taken the courage to leave their violent partners, they hanker to go back.
Such people seem to thrive off the violence, and many, after leaving, do indeed walk straight back into a violent and deadly relationship with a new partner. This does happen – and frequently too – and it is as if a violent relationship is the only kind of relationship that some partners seem to thrive on.
Time and again people who have experienced such relatiionships continue on with their relationships – whether with their present partner, or another of a similiar ilk. This is because some partners have become accustomed to the violence within their lives.
it is as if a violent partner has a stranglehold on their life, controlling every aspect of their life. This can be from stopping their friends from coming round to see them [or only having them see certain friends]to even the food that they can eat, and the clothes that they can wear.
A violent and controlling partner will stop at nothing to keep that control over what they believe is ‘theirs’. They may look upon their wives or husbands, boyfriends or girlfriends, as their ‘property’, and not human beings at all. Is it any wonder then that it is so hard for someone – who is clearly terrified – to walk away?
So, because of the ‘power’ their partner holds over them, they end up staying in a violent and controlling relationship in order to ‘keep the peace’. Only, there is no peace at all, and the whole vicious circle begins again. For a partner to walk away from someone who has physically and mentally attacked them, time and again, takes a great deal of courage. This is very hard for somebody who is on the ‘outside’ so-to-speak, to understand.
Only those who have actually been through a situation – such as a violent relationship – can fully understand what it is like because fear rules every aspect of their lives. All of us do not really know what goes on behind the closed doors of the nation. Yet, I could wager a bet that many people who you thought where happy, loving and contented… are anything but…
Within many households, up and down the land, domestic violence rules,and it is this very same violence that can end in the murder of one or the other partner. Let us be in no doubt here that men, as well as women, are violently abused by their partners. The figures could be just as high for women violently abusing their partners [both physically and mentally] but traditionally, men are very loathe to seek help, and they are even loathe to admit that this is happening to them.
Violence toward men by their wives or girlfriends is very rarely heard about, this is because men feel embarrassed about reporting such things, so they suffer in silence. And,all the while the figures for men that are abused grows, indeed, it is a hidden curse that needs to be brought forward, brought out into the open and stamped upon, just as much as male abuse of women.
What is true about women, in such abusive relationships, is also true for men. Men, like women, find it very difficult indeed to leave their violent partners, and they are dedicated to a fault – beyond all reason, even if it results in their deaths at the hands of those who they thought loved them.
So, what can you do if you are presently suffering in a violent relationship? The one thing you must never do is to blame yourself. People who are involved in violent relationships always feel as if they are the ‘guilty party’, that is not the case. Sometimes the abuse does not take a physical form, but is more ‘mental put-downs’.
Abuse,like pulling you ‘down’ in front of your friends, making you feel worthless at every given opportunity, and making you feel that you are off no consequence, is all classed as mental abuse. They must be reacted upon by getting out and getting help as soon as you can.
The none physical abuse leaves mental scars just as deep as if you had been hit physically, and in some respects mental abuse is worse. What the abuser is trying to do is to make you feel somehow ‘inferior’ to make themselves feel ‘superior’ over you. But it is they who have the issues, and the problems with themselves, and not you. The scars from mental abuse can be just as heavy, and cut just as deep [deeper in some respects]than any physical scars ever could.
Of course, if there are children involved then they would be in danger too. Your partner may not have physically attacked them…yet…but you cannot take that chance. if he, or she has attacked you, then be sure that they would have no qualms about attacking the children too.
In many cases it is harder to walk away because violent partners will very often use the children for their own ends. In many cases they may threaten to hurt the children if you ever left, so they take control of you, through them. But, as a parent, it is your absolute duty to protect not only yourself, but your children too. Keeping yourself alive and your children safe has to be your number one priority.
Children should be made to feel safe at home, and not threatened, but once again, it is so hard for a mother – and indeed a father too – to leave the house. When children are involved there are many parents that feel that if they took away the children, then they are taking them away from a parent who ‘loves’ them. This is a deluded ideal, and it is an ideal that many abused partners hold onto.
Even though you want that loving, family unit, in such an abusive and violent relationshiip, it will always be out of reach. A loving, and caring relationship will never be found in such a situation – no matter how hard you try, or want it.
There are many sheltered accomodations that cater specifically for abused parents [both male and female]. These are spread around the country, and a quick telephone call to them can get the ball rolling. But again,this is the hardest thing to do.
There are many people who are in abusive relationships who feel that this would be the ultimate betrayal -despite the dangers within their house. But one must be brave, and make that first move, for without you making the first move, then nothing at all can be done.