Schools to See Record Decline in Grades This Fall

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During the next few weeks, students of all grade levels will be reentering school for the beginning of a new academic year. However, there is reason to believe that school districts nationwide will notice a definite drop in students’ academic performance during the beginning of the year. This decline is expected to last for the entire duration of the first semester of school and grades won’t likely improve until well into January 2011.

Why the reason for this inevitable slump in our education system? Blame the gaming industry. Apparently, the major game companies are well-aware of students’ need to escape the tedium of back-to-school. Hoping to provide students with their much needed reprieve, the industry will be releasing a slew of highly-anticipated games this starting this fall through the New Year holiday season.

The fall game release schedule got a jumpstart this July with Blizzard’s eagerly-awaited Starcraft II. Other titles to follow are the long-awaited prequel to the highly-successful Kingdom Hearts franchise, Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (Release Date: 9/7/2010), the fourth installment of the ever-popular Halo franchise, Halo Reach (Release Date: 9/14/2010), Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock (Release Date: 9/28/2010), Final Fantasy XIV Online (Release Date: 9/30/2010), Fallout: New Vegas (Release Date: 10/19/2010), God of War: Ghost of Sparta (Release Date: 11/2/2010), Call of Duty: Black Ops (Release Date: 11/9/2010), and Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood (Release Date: 11/16/2010), to name a few.

In essence, students will be beating back school stress for the entire duration of their first semester with the steady stream of fresh titles coming onto the market. As a result of this excessive game-playing with students escaping their mundane realities in favor of a virtual one where they’re allowed to hack, slash, and shoot anyone in their path, focus on schoolwork is naturally going to suffer. Which poses a huge problem for the nationwide school system: if all the students are playing games instead of studying, then schools will be experiencing record-breaking failing grades in all subjects for the first half of the school year. And if that happens, government funding supporting schools during this rough economy will be withdrawn and set forth an irreversible chain events leading to the collapse of the education system.

How can this catastrophe be resolved? One would say, make sure that students don’t play video games. But the educational system can only do so much before they’re meddling into students’ personal lives. Actually, the real solution is much simpler. In order to avert potential disaster, schools need only do one thing: pass their students. Who cares if students wouldn’t technically be earning their passing grades? If they weren’t gaming all the time, then they would’ve rightfully earned those grades anyway.

Besides, it’s a simple solution to a very huge problem. It makes for a simple fix for the school system and it ensures everyone stays happy. The students get to stay stress-free and happy from their games, the schools don’t have to lose their government funding, and the education system stays stable and avoids eminent failure.

It’s a perfect solution! So bust out your PSPs and 360’s and let’s play!

Note: This article is actually a half-assed attempt at satire (which ironically, seems to have come out more as sarcasm). I’m not actually being serious here. If you took this seriously and were offended by it, then I honestly pity you for having no humorous bone in your body.


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