The Worst Thing to Come Out of Red Dead Redemption

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Ok, so there’s not been a lot of criticism of Rockstar’s hit game Red Dead Redemption. Scoring high on almost every review known to man, Red Dead was certainly a big sucess, and I’m not going to spend this article bashing the game in general. Certainly, John Marston talked far too much for the strong, silent figure he was advertised at, but that’s no great failing. But my major complaint is about horses.

Yes, those things above. In case you forgot. Now, in Red Dead, you’re going to spend much of your time riding from place to place, exploring the wilderness, and perhaps taking a gentleman friend for a long ride into the empty wilderness to camp and the like. So, naturally for a Western, one has regular access to horses. Red Dead boasts of realistic horses, and that isn’t a claim I’ll deny. The horses look and act like the real thing, at least more than the equines of any other game I can think of. This isn’t my problem with the beasts. My problem is the whistling.

In-game, as well all know, at the press of a button, we can call our loyal steed to our sides, allowing quick escapes from a dangerous situation or transport from a desolate plane. But one comes to rely on having an instantly-accessible transport at hand. How often, I wonder, has a gamer been struck down in battlefield, trying to whistle for his loyal quad bike? How regularly does one attempt to summon one of the nearby horses in Assassin’s Creed 2 to escape guards, only to be beaten to a pulp, fit only to infiltrate and assassinate those guarded by the elephant man?

Rockstar has screwed us loyal gamers, sending us to our deaths mockingly, laughing and twirling their moustaches like a Victorian villain preparing to eat a puppy. Did we pay good money so that our experiences in other games would be irrevocably damaged? No! So, fellow nerds, geeks and normal people, rise up as one! Push over the next Rockstar employee you see, refuse to buy all of the DLC, eat your fold-out maps that came with Red Dead, and end this tyranny once and for all! Or just remember you can’t press up on the D-pad to summon a horse in every game. Whichever you find easiest.

Paul Blanchard is a writer, blogger and bored housewife. More of his ramblings can be found at his blog, Dog in the Water Pipe.

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