Job Search

Job Search


I admit that finding a job I can do is a little harder than it is for most people. I admit I have a panic disorder. So, I need to be completely comfortable where I work. I also have a limited amount of skills. I am a writer. That is my main skill in life is writing, typing, meeting deadlines, if they are so given, and thinking creatively. I am certified to teach adult/continuing education…I teach Creative Writing, but no one as of last semester has signed up for my class. My class runs in the Fall and Spring and is a five week course that meets once a week for two hours. If people don’t sign up, I don’t get paid. I am a crafter as well, but don’t know if I am talented enough to make it in that field. With that said, what am I supposed to do?

So I’ve been searching the job search engines. Most of what’s out there is hilarious to me, and rather specialized. Let’s have a look, shall we?

Diesel Mechanic – When it comes to automobiles, I am your stereotypical woman. I know to put gas and oil in. That’s it. It runs. I’m good. Now if this job meant to be Vin Diesel’s Mechanic, I would ask him if he needs a tune-up. Otherwise I am completely lost.

Custodian – I have an aversion to cleaning toilets and cleaning up barf and sniffing fecal smells all day. I also have an aversion to large amounts of bleach and well, cleaning in general.

Financial Analyst – This is why the economy is the way it is…because people like me pretended to know what they were doing, and they really hadn’t a clue. So if you want me as a financial analyst or CPA, be forewarned, I can add and that’s about it. I have no math skills whatsoever.

Middle School Principal – If you are sent to my office, you will be forced to write an essay of some sort. Why? Because my forte is in writing, not managing 1000+ kids every day. My dad was a high school principal and I admired him for doing it. It really is a tough job.

C+ Programmer – I don’t want a C+! I want an A+! Need I say more?

Systems Engineer – I can help you with your Digestive System and teach you some ways to calm your Nervous System, but I’ll be dang if I know any other systems, let alone how to engineer them.

Radar Engineer – I wasn’t aware that M*A*S*H’s finest corporal needed an engineer! Oh, not Radar’s Engineer-Radar Engineer. Well, there’s a blip on my screen. I’m not sure what it is. I think it might be a UFO. I’d better send the Air Force to investigate. Um, how do I do that?

Risk Analyst – Is this risky? Yes-especially if you hire me!

Customer Service Representative- This is a job I once held, and I’m telling you for a person with a panic disorder to have this job—it’s not a smart move. Firstly, I don’t like talking on the phone all day long, and I know a lot of people like that. Secondly, I got blamed for all sorts of things. I got blamed for the whole East Coast blackout a few years ago. Oh yeah, my fault! It’s like I farted and the whole coast went dark! Sad thing is you cannot curse these people out for being so mean. You have to remain calm. Thirdly, people aren’t always bright. For example: Customer: Why is my screen always blank? Customer Service Rep: Did you turn the computer on? Customer: No. Well idiot there’s your problem. Lastly, most customer service representatives have no idea what they are doing and will transfer you from department to department and overseas and back again, all day long. Trust me, it’s happened to me.

So where would my skills be in this situation? Well I would just write-off whole situation, pun intended.

Java Developer – A nice soft arabica blend with milk…oh not that kind of java eh?

Construction Inspector – It was the foreman in the sewer with screwdriver!

Dental Sales Representative- So, I’d be selling teeth?

Patient Account Representative—Yes, I can account for this patient.

*This article was first published on Associated on 6/22/2009*

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