I’ve been reading articles on the Internet, and it’s obvious you cats haven’t properly trained your humans! Must I once again list out the rules for proper human upbringing? OK. Here we go.
1. Humans constantly need to be told when we’re hungry. There are two strategies for accomplishing this. First try plaintive meowing. Look up at them with your hungry big eyes. They’re suckers for that. If this doesn’t work, it’s time to take more drastic measures. Settle just behind their foot while they’re working at the counter. Then when they trip over you in an attempt to move anywhere, let out a loud, hurt cry. That should get the sympathy chow coming.
2. If they haven’t cleaned up that litter box in a while, you know what to do. Leave a little present for them in the corner on the carpet. But be reasonable. Don’t escalate to their pillows until it’s really been an outrageous oversight on their part.
3. Humans often waste a lot of time not paying attention to their cats. You need to remind them you are there and are their proper priority. When they are watching T.V., that’s the time to beg for some petting. Get right up there between them and the screen. This is easy to do when they’re at the computer, too. You can walk on their keyboards for some real special attention! If you’ve got a human who writes, you can absolutely destroy his penmanship if you want to. In all these situations they are sitting still and therefore should know that it’s cat-petting time. Teach them!
4. Make sure you get plenty of sleep during the day. That way when your humans are trying to sleep at night, you can walk all over the bed, pounce on it from a higher surface, like the window, etc. Keep them in line.
5. It’s especially annoying when visitors come to your home. Your human must learn that your permission must be given before any other humans enter. It’s enough you let your own humans live there! If a visitor hates cats or is allergic to you, you need to show him who’s boss. Rub yourself all over his legs, arms, and face if you can do it. Never leave them alone. If you get enough on his clothing, it won’t even come off in the wash! Chances are you won’t see him again.
6. Humans are easily amused. If you’re feeling magnanimous towards your human, play with one of the toys they’ve bought for you. Batting things around, pouncing on little fake mice and spectacular leaps will keep your humans entertained and you in great shape.
Remember, your humans need your guidance or they will become unruly and exhibit behaviors you won’t like. Don’t let your guard down!