Wednesday, December 13

Stutter? Why That One Percent

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Many people everyday suffer from illness, deceases and so much more. But what makes mines so funny is that only 1% of all peoples on earth suffer from it. Why do I have to be that 1% among all peoples on earth that stutters I asked myself? Words seem to be my greatest enemy. Sentences are just too hard to say especially the ones with the STR words such as strong, straight, strap, or the SC, such as school, schedule, or sometimes words beginning with S which a lot of them do.

Most of my stuttering also starts with the first word in the sentence, which if I get across that, I am good. In some creative way I always find a technique that actually helps, but after awhile my antagonist soon take over… I used to hop, blink my eyes, hit my head, quiver my eyes, clap my hands or most times strain every breath I have in me just to say a word. If I know I can’t say daddy, I would say father, if I can’t say cat, I will quickly trick my mind to say puss… it’s all about tricking the trickster himself. But it seems to win at times when there are no words to replace certain words, or I would not come up with one very quickly. My most embarrassing and nerve racking moments, will be job interviews, talking on the phone, especially to people that don’t know or understand my disorder.

One traumatic experience for me was one day ordering lunch during high school. I wanted a box lunch, but that day I was stutter so badly that the first word in the sentence couldn’t come out of my month. And the vending lady was angry at me and shuttled at me to get away and stop wasting her time since there were many people waiting to order their lunch and I guess I was wasting losing her business. It was a very embarrassing moment since I couldn’t explain that I am stutter, because the word “stutter or stammer” of all words starts with the ST word. I simply just walked away and go hungry that day without lunch. People just take life for granted, since they don’t have to go through this struggle everyday just to say a sentence. Every day is a constant battle between me and this foe. Most times I rather not talk, but what is human life without it. I do imagine the person I would have been without this curse that God gave me…

But imaginations will never come to be if I can’t change who I am. I have lived memories of pain when I used to be laughed at and picked on, if only people knew what it’s like to be in my shoe. I had put a knife against my chest, just hoping the pain of life itself will end forever, but it’s just ironic to think that I will inflict pain to get rid of pain. I will just have to say that I am that unfortunate 1%, but then I considered how fortunate I am to not be blind, deaf, crippled, or even dumb. There are just so much things I am lucky not to be, yet most people’s I know is lucky to be none. But I still do see that you have a purpose for me lord, after all Moses was a stutter himself who you choose to lead your people.

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