Tuesday, December 12

You Know They Love Their Car When . . .

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— they’ve used more than 3 rolls of high quality duct tape to hold it together.

— its rear deck holds more than 112 troll dolls.

— their vanity plates read ‘MYBABY’ or any variant thereof.

— its interior upholstery, body paint, mud flaps, and wheel covers are all color-coordinated to the same champagne tint of the driver’s shoes, wardrobe, handbag and dyed hair.

— they’ve spent more than one year’s rent on its sound system.

— it possesses fuzzy dice, an astrological window decal and a hood scoop.

— there are more than 63 obscure band decals affixed to visor, hood, roof, quarter panels, bumpers, seat backs, etc.

— it is a seafoam green hybrid with a bike rack, four national park stickers and a Sierra Club decal.

— you notice its padded pleather landau roof, gilt coach lanterns, spinners, curb feelers and hood-mounted longhorns.

— each toddler onboard has its hands encased in Ziploc bags to preserve the freshly-detailed look and smell.

— the gas cap has a lojack.

— they always park at the extreme perimeter of the mall parking lot, diagonally across 3 spaces.

— it displays a 7-color paint job that appears intentional.

— their initials are monogrammed on the driver’s door.

— it cost over $90,000, yet gets only about 12 miles to the gallon.

— they are wearing any attire prominently displaying the auto maker’s logo.

— the car body bears multiple season’s worth of Bondo, primer, baling wire, sheet plastic, bungee cords and miscellaneous pieces of treated lumber.

— they haul out the car tarp when they stop at the Post Office.

— it has a wooden-bead driver’s seat cover, mariachi balls ringing the ragtop, and a neon glow ringing the chassis.

— it is a monstrous and horribly over-accessorized luxury crossover with decals from Hilton Head, Palm Springs, Martha’s Vineyard, and/or Sedona.

— it features any 3 of the following: a spoiler, pace car markings, naked lady mud flaps, a pirate flag, the number of Dale Earnhardt’s car, a bong, a firearm of any make or caliber, and any bumper stickers containing profanity, drug references, whiskey brands, misogynistic messages or any combination thereof.

— it has knitted doilies for headrest covers.

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