Monday, December 11

You Know You're Getting Old When . . .

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— you have painted those rocks at the edge of your driveway white.

— you start to think a pastel warm-up suit makes a pretty snappy outfit for going out in public.

— trips to the bathroom begin outnumbering trips to the fridge.

— the pleasure you feel elevating your feet has nothing to do with sexual gratification.

— there are more colors in your pill-dispenser case than in that Hawaiian sunset jigsaw puzzle you glued together and hung in the hall.

— nothing is funny.

— the only things you feel are bargains anymore are those crappy items at the dollar store that you don’t really need 5 of anyway.

— you begin experiencing hunger pangs at 3:00 p.m., especially for the Meat Loaf Special at Shoney’s.

— you can recall more names of deceased past Presidents than of your grandchildren.

— all you do with your cell phone is make and receive calls, and even that often seems bafflingly high-tech and high-falutin’.

— most of your conversations begin with “We never used to . . . “.

— the most memorable evenings with your sex partner consist only of foot baths, Matlock, instant frappuccino, and those damn neighbor kids being quiet.

— you wonder how so many apparent 7-year-olds could get driver’s licenses.

— Republican politicos begin making sense.

— you plan your meals not around what to include, but around what to exclude.

— every one of your growing number of doctors, dentists and insurance agents is a ‘young whippersnapper’.

— you insist on watching the nightly national news, and feel compelled to shout back at every news item.

— you and your partner make more noise getting out of bed in the morning than you ever made getting into bed at night.

— 90 bucks a month is far too much for you to pay for wireless phone service, cable TV, internet access and movie rentals — combined!

— reading any list as long as this is a real pain in the ass.

— stripes go with plaid goes with paisley goes with polka dots goes with herringbone; brown goes with green goes with gold goes with pink goes with turquoise.

— no one is beautiful anymore; the only choices are cute, OK, had some work done, trashy, and homelier than a mud fence.

— the volume control on your TV no longer goes anywhere near high enough.

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