Sunday, December 17

You’re What?! or 5 Easy Steps To Becoming A Decent Dad

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  1. Educate yourself about this whole mess.  Tripping out, sulking and intestinal twisting fear are normal signs that you knocked up some chick.  If you two have decided to keep it, the first thing to do is to replace the word ‘it’ with ‘the baby’.  This makes you sound more mature.  There are great sites online that detail every month of your baby’s growth.  Read them and drop little facts to impress your woman.  Knowing what is going on is not only practical, it also prepares you for the weird behavior you will soon notice.  The barfing, the crying, the waking you up at 3am for important news updates like, ‘When I was peeing, my side twitched…Should we call the hospital?’  There are also classes you can sign up for.  Check your doctor’s office for local info.  These classes can be a great way to open your eyes to reality.  What do you need to go?  Because you’re a man and you don’t anything about this stuff.  Like if you have a son incubating in there, will you circumcise him?  After they show you the real live baby torture flick, you might cross your legs and think twice.  Trust me, there is A LOT to learn.
  2. Talk to the baby in the belly.  At first this will seem weird.  She doesn’t look pregnant and the baby is the size of a bean.  But you know what?  They are listening.  Even if everyone knows you can’t sing, the baby doesn’t.  Pick a simple song like ABC and start bonding.  Now is a great time to pick the baby’s name and start using it.  Just like a new puppy, if you call your baby by name, he/she will eventually respond.  After six or seven months in the belly, the baby will swim over to kick you when they hear your voice.  Plus when you call the baby by name, it allows you to pull off one of the coolest tricks ever.  When your kid is born, call out the name.  Your baby will turn towards you and know exactly who you are. 
  3. Read to the belly and baby.  Keeping the conversation fresh to an ever expanding gut can be challenging.  A great way to fill in the awkward pauses is to read.  It does not matter what you read.  A history of Kung Fu book, baseball scores, the stupid tweets from your friends that you follow like some sort of a moron, etc.  The point is your voice.  The kid is learning your voice.  When your baby escapes to the outside, keep reading.  They love your voice.  As the kid grows and becomes more aware, start reading baby books.  But keep reading your books out loud too.  They love it and start to associate books as something they want.  When they are less than two years old, you have this window of opportunity my friend.  The interest in reading will stay with them.  After that they will start to ape your behavior.  While they still love books and reading with dad, they also want the TV remote control, your videogames and to reprogram your phone.    
  4. Change diapers.  Sounds awful but after your kid is born, something primal changes inside you.  You become more protective, nicer and a bit of a clean freak.  You also realize your blood flows through this poop machine and it no longer seems gross to wipe ass.  Besides, it doesn’t even stink until they start eating solid foods and by then you are well accommodated to the rank, offensive stench.  So change diapers.  Volunteer even.  After all, it wasn’t you that carried around the parasitic pupae for nine months.  A big tip for first time wipers is never stick your face down there to see if you got everything.  Babies can projectile power fart an amazing distance considering their diminutive size.
  5. Become the baby chef.  Much like reading, you have a small window of opportunity with good nutrition but it also lays down a solid foundation.  Lets face it, kids are observant sponges and sooner or later they will discover toxic fast food, corn syrup treats and all the other bad habits you harbor.  But when they are wee little sprouts, they will eat what you give them.  Plus, when you make food, you know exactly what is going inside your kid.  This is another useful skill that will make you look totally great.  Being a baby chef is easy because a baby eats simple foods.  Carrots, sweet potatoes, squash, pumpkin and other easy to digest foods.  After mother’s milk, they will eat cereal.  No not Lucky Charms. It looks like fish food flakes and you mix it with formula or mother’s milk.  After cereal, you become the head chef and start steaming carrots and baking squash.  Make individual servings, plastic wrap them, store them in a Ziploc and freeze them.  It is easy, healthy and impressive.    

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