Tuesday, December 12

The 5 Most Unnecessary Testicle Attacks in Recent Memory

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5. The Serial Groin Kicker

How many times have you found yourself walking up in a relatively peaceful street, seeing a woman in a passing glance, then her kicking you in the nuts? If you said zero, good for you.

Anthony Clark would have said “yeah, that one time…

Apparently, these kinds of attacks are common that authorities think they have a “serial groin kicker” roaming the streets. It’s probably Jane the Kicker.

4. Girl Assaults Man’s Nuts for Mispronouncing Her Name

Seriously. How offensive is mispronunciation of a name, anyway? Whoever you are, certainly it’s not enough to warrant a kick in the balls, is it? Well, obviously, you’re not Megan Jane Conroy.

Apparently, her mom’s friend made a completely unforgivable mistake of pronouncing her name “May-gan” instead of “Mee-gan.” From here, all hell is said to have broken loose, Megan told the man to “get f*cked,” kneed him twice (twice!) in the groin, pushed him against the wall and demanded him to say her name properly. Poor guy.

3. Random School Testicle Attacks

Everybody agrees that high school sucks, but when random testicle attacks on the way to Math class are added into factor, well, it adds another dimension to the suckage. Just ask 14-year old David Gibbons.

Dabbed “sack tapping,” Gibbons is apparently just one of the many victims of random punching or kicking of the man balls. In fact some doctors perform “three to four surgeries” a year for victims of this heinous, heinous crime.

2. Woman pulls down Man’s Testicles after Being Rejected

Let this be a lesson to men everywhere: when a woman tries to have sex with you, do it, or lose a testicle.

When Geoffrey Jones rejected the sexual advances of Amanda Motti in a party, she flew into a rage and pulled off his left testicle. And if that’s not enough, she tried to swallow it. Allow that to sink in for a moment.

Thankfully she choked on it, spat it out, and then handed it to a friend who casually gave it back to Jones. Unfortunately, doctors weren’t able to put it back.

1. Man Gets Rejected, Cuts off His Penis and Throws it Down a Well

This time fortunately, this isn’t a testicle attack. Unfortunately, it’s a self-inflicted Penis amputation.

Normally, when a woman rejects you, you usually listen to sad love songs and attempt to cut yourself in an effort to win her back. For this particular individual, though, the way to cope with this is to chop off his penis and throw it down a well. Why he thought this would win his girl back, nobody knows.

We feel sorry for whoever wants to fetch water from the well but gets a dismembered penis instead.

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