Failing is the Easy Part
The reason I wrote this article is because for some reason people who want to succeed have and are doing the things I will mention below. They have no idea that a bad background will make people want to leave their website instead of staying and looking around. I have spoken to people that think itsa great idea to not put up exit links to try and trap people to stay on their websites.
I eventually saw the humor in the disaster that is the worst of the worst when it comes to websites and decided to write this humorous article. On the serious side, if your website has any of these no-no’s you really should run and do something about it, because that one little problem could be the difference between getting visitors and having a counter that hasn’t moved in a month.
1. Do get a web page at a cheap hosting site. Preferrably a free place that will put there banners and ads all over diminishing anything you are trying to sell.
2. Do put up your own banners everywhere making it hard to navigate and hard for anyone to not get a headache just looking at the main page. After all we don’t want them coming back.
3. Do make make sure that when a visitor clicks on a link and goes to another page, they have no way of getting back to the main of your site. We want them so hopelessly lost they have no choice but to go elsewhere. We don’t want to have repeat customers do we?
4. Make the background and text virtually the same color so that prospective visitors have to squint themselves into oblivion just to make out a letter.
5. Also be sure to make the text so small they will have wonder if there actually looking at specks of dirt instead of words.
6. Don’t ever get a mailing list. We don’t want those nosy people to be able to find you or your website again do we?
7. Do get a GIGANTIC, colorful logo or text. Make sure it spins, spits fire, dazzles, and confuses your audience. That way they will be so hypnotized that they will forget their own name AND your website address.
And speaking of web address…
8. Don’t get a short, easily remembered address. Get an address so long it will be three sentences long when put in ms word and be rejected by most search engines. You don’t want any address short enough and easy enough for anyone to remember it right?
9. Under no circumstances do you submit your site to any search engines. By submitting your website you are making it to easy for people to find your business. We want them to work for it. Why should you do all the hard stuff and they just stroll in? Give them a challenge. People like that.
10. Do not ever put your website address in your email signature, on t-shirts, pens/pencils, coffee mugs or other good advertising products. If you do that then word of mouth might start and you will have all this traffic coming onto your webpage and we are trying to avoid that aren’t we?
11. Do not spell check anything. To make it more fun, make website in another language. It will create the dual situation of advertising your products to different people and countries you probably don’t ship to as well as making it a fun experience for your real customers to not be able to understand anything on the site.
12. Most of all, and this is the most important, Do not tell ANYONE about your business website. It’s a secret, so treat it as one. Don’t put it in your forum signature, in your blog, in articles, or advertisements offline. That means no search engines, adsense, adwords, or overture. This is your secret so keep it close to your vest.
Follow all these rules and in less than 10 days you can sit and reap the sweet victory of having a failed business, no income and no customers. Good Luck.