What is love? For me – Love is accepting a person just the way they are. And longing for them when they are away. But when the other person has expectations from you, and does not accept you whole heartedly when you do not fulfill them; it makes you wonder – Is it Love?
Small things matter, especially when you are living together. You always switch off the lights after he leaves the bathroom; but when just once the light is on in the kitchen and you’ve gone shopping you get to hear “Can you not turn off the lights when you leave the house?” Its not just that. Its the distancing that follows this that makes things worse. There is a barrier between the two of you now. Your every move is watched. At least thats the way you feel. And when you fail you’re not accepted. It becomes a struggle to pass every day. You watch everything that you do.
But you are human, and you do make mistakes. So a time comes when you get to hear, “You always do that”. Deep in your heart you know. He is mad at me and not aware of what he’s saying. He does not mean all that. But still, you feel humiliated, hurt.
But to him, it does not matter. It does not matter that all that you want him to do is to take you in his arms and comfort you. All that you want is for him to tell you that its okay that you’re wrong, he knows that you can do better, and he loves the way you are.
But what when none of this happens? Does it mean that he does not love you? What do you do in times like this?
Here’s a simple solution. Simple in the sense that with practice you will learn to master this art and keep your calm.
Get rid of all ‘must’s from your life.
I must fulfill all his expectations.
Why should you? It is natural that there are and will be times that you wont be able to or wont want to fulfill his expectations. There is nothing wrong with that. Accept it and don’t punish yourself for not fulfilling them or not wanting to fulfill them. Your thoughts and beliefs might not match and that does not mean that you are wrong. Nothing and no one other than your own self can make you feel wrong. If you do not think like him, it does not mean that you are wrong. It only means that you differ. Accept the difference and let it be.
Try to think : I know he would be happy that I fulfilled his expectations, but he is an adult and can accept that there are times when I cannot do that.
He must accept me the way I am. He must not try to change me.
Why should he? It is human nature to expect something from the other person when we are also giving something to the relation. Don’t forget that by saying that you are expecting him not to try to change you! So just accept that you both will have expectations from each other and treat them like adults. Accept that you are different individuals and your views might not always be the same.
Instead try to think : I’d be happy if he accepts me the way I am, but I also understand that there will be times when this might not be wholly possible. I am sure that these trivial things wont matter in a healthy relationship that we share.
Remember that if it wasn’t for these differences, your life would not have the spice that it does. So make the most your moments together and share a wonderful life!