What if the presidential election was a fantasy movie? What if we could choose anybody we wanted, no matter what their qualifications were? What if we picked people simply based on how cool they were or how much butt they kicked in their movies? Well, if we did, here is the celebrity dream team that I think should represent our proud country!
President: JACK NICHOLSON
Jack is back and he’s sitting in our oval office. How cool is Jack? Does anybody hate this guy? Do the ladies hate him? Um, according to the number of girlfriends he has had, that answer would have to be “no.” Do the guys hate him? Um, are you kidding? Every guy WISHES he was Jack Nicholson. Everybody on this whole planet worships Jack. He is the only living soul that can go around in the darkest of nights with his sunglasses on and never get ridiculed for it. You have to be REALLY cool to pull that off. Plus, his love for sunglasses will surely help the economy, as all of the sunglasses companies will sell TONS of sunglasses to Jack worshippers, thus, they will be hiring several more employees to keep up with the large demands. Jack will not be your ordinary U.S. President that does stuff like sitting at the front rows of a NBA or NFL game and acting like a dead turtle on a stump. When Jack goes to NBA games, he actually cares about the game! He doesn’t go to the games “just to be seen.” He goes to the games because he has passion for the games and the athletes! That is what we need as president. We need a man who shows passion! If you can’t even show the least bit of passion for a fun and simple sports game, then you are not relating to several people that live in your country. You have to show them that you are not a heartless robot. Jack is not a robot. Jack understands the average fan’s love of the game, and fans will respect him for that.
Jack is so cool that other world leaders would be afraid to argue with him. Who wants to create enemies with the cool guy? If you create enemies with the cool guy, then everybody will think something is wrong with you and you will lose all of your allies. Jack’s cool attitude will get him what he wants. Oil will never be a problem if Jack is our president. He wouldn’t even have to do anything to get more oil. Once word is out that Jack is president, other world leaders will be calling Jack non-stop and begging for Jack to take their oil. The only thing they will demand in return is to be Jack’s friend. The power of coolness, my friends . . . the POWER of coolness.
Vice President: ROBERT DE NIRO
Let’s face it, Robert De Niro is simply the only guy that’s cool enough to take over as president if anything happens to Jack. One of his tasks will be getting higher wages for taxi drivers. De Niro realizes that many taxi drivers are shortchanged, under-tipped, and have way too much vomit to clean up in the back seat. He is ready to make some changes happen and he will make taxi driving one of the most sought after and respectable professions when he is in office. De Niro is a respected man. We all respect him so much that we even pull for him when he is the “bad guy.” But maybe there is one person that has a problem with De Niro. Is that person you? Do you have a problem with De Niro being Vice President? Do you have something to say to him? You talking to him? You talking to him? You talking to him??
Secretary of Defense: SYLVESTER STALLONE
Sly will do a tremendous job in keeping our country safe. The best thing about having Sly on the defense staff is that we longer have to worry about sending thousands and thousands of troops overseas to risk their young lives. If there is a problem that requires deadly forces, only one person will be sent over. That one person will be Sly. If sending just one man sounds crazy, then go do yourself a favor and watch RAMBO! Sly doesn’t need our help. He’s a one-man army! Oh, if you’re worried about our protection if Sly goes overseas, then worry no longer. De Niro will cover his back when he is gone. You’ll be safe with De Niro. “He knows people.”
Treasurer: MARK CUBAN
Mark Cuban, the beloved billionaire who currently owns the NBA franchise, Dallas Mavericks, has the tools to complete this dream team. Cuban is not your typical rich guy that became wealthy from inheritance. He is a self-made man who was once just tending bars and giving disco lessons. The man earned all of his money on his own. What better man to handle our money than a guy like that? Not only will he be treasurer, but he will be given the duty of putting his sports passion to work and will be assigned to do a project with men’s soccer and women’s basketball. Cuban will use his creative and persuasive powers to help make these sports bigger and more successful than they ever were. He will find a way to get more fans in seats, which will prove financially beneficial to several cities. Plus, he will give more girls the power to dream big, as he will add more professional women’s basketball teams around the country. The ladies can ball, too!
Folks, you can’t wrong with this four-some, so go vote right away! Vote today! Vote for Jack and the rest of his comrades. You won’t be sorry. This four-some is “as good as it gets!”