When I was in 7th grade, I had a huge crush on one of my classmates. Her name was Mary; however, I was extremely shy, so I never did anything about it. I rarely even talked to her. My shyness prevented me from communicating with her, so I did the next best thing a 7th grader could think of – I showed off for her!
I would always give an extra effort when I knew she was around. If I was playing kickball, I would kick the ball a little harder. If I was playing tag, I would run a little faster. If I was playing dodge ball, I would nail more people in the head with the ball. I did all the showing off I could do, but it wasn’t working, because she still hadn’t tried to kiss me yet!
But one day, right before school ended, I heard one of my classmates, Jenny, talking to Mary. I heard them discussing plans of both going to Jenny’s house after school, which immediately got me excited because Jenny was my neighbor! This presented me with yet another opportunity to show off for Mary!
Once the bell rang, I sprinted outside and hopped on my bicycle. I only lived two miles from school, so I always rode my bike instead of the smelly bus. Plus, rumor had it that a high school freshman had apparently stated that I had great legs. Whoa! That’s a big compliment to hear when you are in 7th grade! So, needless to say, I continued to ride my bicycle so I could continue to keep my legs in shape and continue to gain compliments from girls!
My plan was to ride as fast as I could to my home. Once home, I would hop on my father’s biggest tractor, take my shirt off, and then drive the tractor onto one of our hay fields. You see, I grew up on a farm, and one of our hay fields was literally attached to Jenny’s backyard. Yes, it may seem young to be driving a big tractor at such a young age, but hey, that’s how we roll in the small town!
This was a splendid plan. I would not only impress her by driving a big tractor, but I would also impress her by taking my shirt off and revealing my bony, pasty white, underdeveloped upper body. This was one of my best plans to date.
As I was riding home, I was listening to some groovy Motley Crue with my headphones. Listening to headphones while riding a bicycle is never a safe combination, but I did not care. It was my thing. It got me pumped up! It kept this farm boy rocking!
I was about halfway home when my ear phones slipped off my head. I had to immediately stop and adjust them. I did so in a quick manner, because I did not have much time to beat Jenny and Mary. It was important to beat them home. I wanted them to see me on the tractor the very second that they arrived home, or else they would probably end up sitting in Jenny’s room the whole night, listening to Madonna tapes, paying no attention to any studly, shirtless farmers that were outside on tractors.
After adjusting my ear phones, I sped off again. Moments later, my cassette player fell out of my pocket. Doh!! It slammed to the ground, and there were bits and pieces everywhere on the pavement. I quickly applied my brakes so I could clean up this unfortunate mess and make sure my Motley Crue tape was not harmed.
Just as I stopped, I heard a noise. It was a car horn, accompanied by some screeching. Apparently, I was so caught up in my music that I had not realized I had been riding in the middle of the road instead of the shoulder. I immediately froze, trying my best not to pee my pants. I then looked around to see what vehicle had nearly killed me.
It was a red pickup truck. It was the same red pickup truck that Diane drove. Who is Diane, you ask? Diane is Jenny’s mother.
And yes, Jenny was with her, and so was Mary.
I could see Jenny and Mary looking at me through the passenger’s side windows of the vehicle. Diane rolled the window down and asked if I was OK. I really wasn’t OK. I was totally humiliated, but I lied and said I was fine. After making sure I was OK, and after providing me with a brief lecture about how stupid it is to ride a bike with headphones, Diane drove off.
I waved to them as they drove off, all the while watching Jenny and Mary continued to stare at me. They were smiling and giggling to their heart’s content. I was embarrassed beyond belief, especially since Mary, of all people, was able to witness this catastrophe!
I then gathered up my mutilated cassette player and rode home. I aborted the shirtless/tractor driving plan. It was a lost cause. I would save the shirtless/tractor plan for another day. I arrived home, fed some cows, and played video games for the rest of the night.
Needless to say, I had lost a large amount of pride that day. I was so devastated about not impressing Mary, that I rarely thought about the fact that I should just be happy that I was STILL ALIVE! I totally could’ve gotten run over! Thank God for Diane’s good brakes!
It wasn’t meant to be, anyways . . . Mary didn’t like Motley Crue! She was a Michael Jackson fan!