How To Look Cool On Facebook, MySpace, and other Social Networking Sites

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  1. DO NOT BE UGLY AND PROUD.

    There’s more to this than me sounding really arrogant — it’s more of a plea for modesty. Even Aristotle said that the magnanimous can be magnanimous if they really are. It’s all about having self-awareness. If you’re ugly, just stop.

  2. DO CONCEAL THAT YOU ARE UGLY OR OVERWEIGHT

    To conceal ugliness in photographs, think of what the “emo” kids do. I think the emo kids are on to something with the long hair and the awkward angles they take their photos from — they’re hiding their mugs. If you’re really ugly, stop taking damn photos of a close up of your ridiculously wrongly-gendered face.

    What I do dig, additionally, is the plethora of overweight girls on Facebook and Myspace who hide it really well. Props on that. This tactic combines two things, 1. you know you’re fat. Obviously, the consciousness of always taking neck-up photos implies that you don’t want that spare tire of love to leak to the Myspace populous. 2. At least you might have a cute face to make up for it. So big ups to you kids. Keep up the good, deceptive, work.

  3. DO NOT USE MYSPACE OR FACEBOOK MESSAGING AS A TRUE FORM OF COMMUNICATION.

    The goal of Internet messaging should be to arrange real life messaging, or communication. Thanks to the extinction of real-life communication mediums, the ability to Myspace or Facebook message is taking over the world. This luxury is meant to facilitate more direct, easier forms of interaction, like a phone call, that prehistoric thing.

    If you haven’t talked to someone in months, shooting over a Myspace or Facebook message doesn’t cut it as legitimate conversation. In fact, it’s a load of BS. Don’t try to scam someone by using Myspace or Facebook as a tool to really “keep in touch”. If you think that’s good enough, then I’ll fax your folks a “omgz. so sorri” card when you kick off.

  4. DO NOT CITE SOMETHING YOU WROTE

    You may think this is ridiculously absurd and that I made it up, because no one in his or her right mind would do so retarded a thing. But, unfortunately for our species, you’re wrong. I don’t know if this is a trend or just a couple of really dumb MOFOs, but I see it happening. The quote is some sappy, self-deprecating two liner, and it’s thrown in quotations marks and attributed to no one, or anon., or question marks, or a made up name. Why would one do that? It’s okay, admit you wrote the piece of crap. I write pieces of crap all of the time, it’s OK, let’s have some tea and hug.

  5. DO NOT THINK YOU’RE AN ARTIST WHEN YOU’RE AN A**HOLE.

    Having one song does not make you an artist, or even talented, and it especially does not make you cute. In fact, it makes you look like a self-important, self-absorbed, pretentious SOB. Go put a couple of things together, learn your passion, and by all means, shoot for the stars. Don’t get too ahead of yourself and call yourself the shiz when you don’t know/have anything, and all you do is talk shiz.

  6. DO NOT HAVE AN UGLY OR CLUTTERED PROFILE.

    Stop it. Take that glittery crap down. No one cares, no one likes it, and if we could compile it into real matter we’d shove it down your throat so you can choke! Yes! This is how mad an overabundance of images that bombard the eye and make your page slow to load can make your profile viewer. My sarcastic personal favorite is the collection of old school icons – those are really awesome. I, personally, love learning about people when they have an icon that says “da baddest b!tch” right along side one of a broken heart. Honestly, now i can piece those pieces of the puzzle together, thank you.

  7. REFRAIN FROM BEING PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL OR PSEUDO-PHILOSOPHICAL

    To your credit, I thought I sounded really smart when I was 14-15 talking about life and all of that. I still have those kinds of deeply looming thoughts and questions all of the time, and there’s always an appropriate place/time to discuss the meaning of life (or the fact that we live on without knowing it — shameless plug of my TRUE biggest pet peeve). But a lot of the time, rambling about that just makes you seem really, really, obnoxious. If you want, read some Descartes, Hobbes, or even that socialist snob Rousseau and we can shoot the stuff, but keep your random, off-the-back-of a truck ideas about life off of Myspace and Facebook. These are forums for the vain and shallow, don’t kill that for the rest of us. The idea is to take a break from real life, and trying to infuse something as juvenile as Myspace with your philosophical mumbo jumbo just kills that.

  8. DO NOT MAKE YOUR PROFILE ALL ABOUT ONE THING.

    That’s just no fun; no one likes a one-dimensional person. People really into their emoism, their straight-edge-isn, their vegetarianism, or even their hardcoreism, alcoholism, and drug addictions, just aren’t cool. Having your photo, background, favorite quote, interests, apps, and pictures be all about the Yankees or Wrestling or any one thing is SCARY AND OFF-PUTTING. Give yourself a bit more credit than that. You may think you’re really really cool because you’re a metal head or an emo kid, but it’s way more cool to be a metal head chick with some emo on the side. Also, keep in mind that the only real vegetarians are the ones who don’t blurt out that they’re a vegetarian whenever they get a damn chance – that’s self importance. This should also apply to your religious/spiritual beliefs, we should all be more dynamic and complex than one word. You are free to believe as you please but to flood your profile with it will make you uninteresting.

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