Every other weekend

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The story really never ends; it only repeats its beginnings.  We are on this journey to complete what we have been given a chance to do. Along that path we are introduced to new things and meet many new people. One of those new people is the love of your life and the one you think you will spend the rest of your life with. You try taken it one day at time to only realize you built a family, life and friendship that you think is unbreakable. You think there is nothing that could get in the way of your happiness, just like there is no one to replace your lover. You spend years building this dream, you lose a lot of tears and sweat over making this life you’d 2 have together and want. You try to understand the hard times, however they’re times that you just are unsure of, if you’ll make till the next day, and before you know it it’s 5 years later and with a larger family and a home built on memories and time. I’d like to tell everyone there’s always a happy ending, but the truth of it is, it never really ends nicely, however though it does end. It will hardly end the way you think it would. Not that I’m saying sit around and think about it, I surely wouldn’t. The reason for this is I’m living this writing. I was married for 5 years and together for 6, built a family, life, home, friendships, laugh, smiles, took trips and over all found what and who my heart was looking for. I can’t say it was all roses throughout those 5 years, because that would be a lie. It was rough, however we made it. At least till this year. I wonder if one day earlier would have played out differently, would the next day end the way it did. Of course I will never know, nobody will ever know. However I can’t help to wonder, could a word of really of changed that much in what happened? I can tell you I lost that completeness, fulfillment and laughter and of course a complete family. I am now a parent that is lost. Nobody knows the pain or anger I feel. They can pretend, but all honesty they can’t know, they are not me. I look back and think this is where it all ended and that’s where it all began and now I don’t know what to say. I hate the fact that my best friend is no longer and I hate this rage I feel. I tell everyone who feels the way I do about my marriage, try to save it, do whatever it takes, even if that means talking to a counsler that’s a complete stranger. Sometimes it takes an outsider to get the picture or at least understand.

When n you feel like your life has been taken away with events that spread news wide, everything you thought was the truth, turned out to be a lie. I can’t answer why my heart will always belong to a man who couldn’t ever see outside the box and never trust a things I say, but however the one thing I do and did know was this man he is now, he wasn’t 5 years ago. This change took time and years, but without sight. I guess the saying is true that” out of sight out of mind.” Now I live Reba’s song “Every other weekend”.

So here I am living with pain and anger and depression, that I know won’t go away with time, yes you may be sitting there saying everything heals with time, but the truth is that time heals the small bruises that’s why we forgive and move on, however when it come to true love and completeness, (you’ll know this when it happens) time isn’t always the answer. Maybe a few tears will help, but with people not understanding why I feel this much pain over this, makes a person bottle their feeling and go on pretending things are ok and I’m ok… I’m not sure how long I can manage to pull that off, the tears are getting harder to hide and wordless sentences are coming out and the more distance that I make from seeing people, helps me to know that no one really sees my pain. I realize I am a parent and parents need to be strong for their children for that way their children will look up to them.

I can everyone that I still love this man and wish him the best in all he does and wish that we could have been friends, but if you all new the truth on the ending you wonder why I feel the way I do. Nevertheless I do still care.  W e will never talk nor see each other he moved away, though that was recommended to him to do so, otherwise he was told to. I catch myself wondering as well if he thinks about me at all, but I will never ask, nor will I ever let others know. The more I say about this tragedy the more it’s frowned upon and I can’t deal with anymore heartache or pain. It seems that my world came crashing down by the time I blinked. Can you imagine this…? One day you’re laughter with your partner, you’re planning out how to buy a house for the family, watch a movie together and then get cozy? The next day things seem to start ok, but by the time the noon hour hits things start falling apart and falling apart fast, and here it is the roughest day of anyone’s life. Facing the fear, anxiety, pain, and anger and lost of a lover all in a days’ time. Things seem to move more quickly and are uncontrollably out of control.  Everything once known is all taken away and emotions take over and sometimes anger will overcome all else. You want to release that river that’s building up inside you, however you can’t. The heart wants to say so many things, but my head tries to stop it.

Life as we knew it has tumbled to the ground and left me alone in this big world. To feel that completeness and comfort and love come from being with someone you can look at and see that you can’t picture your future without. Its weird there are really no words to describe how love makes you feel, but when it’s taken away from you, there are more words to express the pain and disappointment. You spend a life time searching for that comfort and completeness and then wham you found it, Out of nowhere you and the last place you thought you would ever find that true feeling of love.

They say it takes a lifetime to know someone, but when it’s taken away from you, it makes you wonder if in this design that we are not to really ever know someone. I’m not sure how many people will look at this when it’s read, however in the end, pain really never goes away, it’s just time lets us bury it.

I also come to realize there is only ever one true love and you also only ever fall in love one time in your lifetime. At least I was granted that one time. That is the only benefit to all this that has come.

So here I am traveling down that highway 20, every other weekend.

As sad as it is and as much pain as it brings, I have every other weekend, without anyone else knowing. My secrets are safe with me.

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