Abridged History of Rome – Diocletian to Constantine

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ABRIDGED HISTORY OF ROME: DIOCLETIAN TO CONSTANTINE

THE BEGGINNING – NUMERIAN & CARINUS ARE CO-EMPERORS:

Numerian: Oh…I don’t feel well…X.X –falls dead of poison-

Dicoletian: ho-hum… -points at member of Praetorian Guard- HEDUNIT! (maybe killed Numerian himself??)

Army: -grrsnarl-  -kills Guard member- Diocletian! You should be out new Emperor in place of Numerian! 😀

Diocletian:  Aw shucks, guys, you shouldn’t have  -was hoping for that the whole time-.  –kills off Carinus-  Hey, Maximian, you’re gonna be my co-emperor, kay? –proceeds to give long list of orders- …and we aren’t goin’ ta conquer people anymore, and we’re going to have serfs, and our army’s going to reduce troops on the borders, and…I think that’s it.  OWAIT.  We’re also going to have a new monetary and fiscal system?  Ya’ll got that?

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THE TETRARCHY:

Diocletian: Hey, co-ruler Maximian, we should form a tetrarchy!

Maximian: A…trtrawhaty?

Diocletian: A tetrarchy.  A rule of four.  We’ll have two Augusti – that’ll be us to start out with – and each one will pick one Ceaser – who can’t be related by blood.  After ten years, the Augusti will abdicate, and the Ceasers will be Augusti, an elect their own Ceasers, etc, etc.  Get it?

Maximian: Sweet.  Sounds cool.  I choose…my son-in-law, Constantius.

Diocletian: And I pick my son-in-law, Galerius…

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DURING THE NEXT TEN YEARS:

Diocletian: I AM A REINCARNATION  OF JUPITER – BOW TO ME!!!

Manicheans(followers of the Persian religion): Dude…not cool.  No.

Christians: Count us out too.

Diocletian: I AM A GOD, GOSH DARN IT! I HATE YOU AND WILL PERSECUTE YOU ALL…!

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TEN YEARS LATER:

Diocletian and Maximian: Take good care of Rome! Buh-bye now! –abdicate-

Galerius: For my Ceaser, I choose…Maximinus.

Constantius: I choose Severus.

Everybody(minus two): Hey, this works pretty well.

Constantine(son of Constantius):-pout- I should have been my dad’s Ceaser. Not Severus.

Maxentius: Yeah?  And I should have been my dad’s Ceaser, Punk, instead of your dad.

Constantius: X.X –dead-

Constantine: DIBS ON BEING AUGUSTUS!

Severus: You can’t call dibs! I was Ceaser, I will be Augustus.  Not you.

Constantine: ORLY? Just watch me…

Galerius: Guys…GUYS! Look, Severus, just let the kid be your Ceaser.  Everyone happy now?  Kaygood.

Maxentius: D:<  NOT FAIR!  I’m going to be Augustus too, hear that everyone?!

Everyone: Wait.  You can’t be Augustus.  It’s a rule of FOUR, not FIVE.

Maxentius: …but…but…

Severus: Guys, we need some ORDER! Everyone, take a breath and…

Everyone: -angry glare-

Severus: kay, IGIVEUP!

C, G, & M: -scramble for position-

Diocletian: PATHETIC! You people need some serious HELP.  Listen…Licinius, you can be Augustus in Severus’ place.  And Constantine, you can be Ceaser.

Constantine: Why can’t I be Augustus?!
Diocletian: …Because you cheated.  Anymore questions?  None?  Good.  Don’t screw it up this time.

Maxentius: WAIT! What am I?

Diocletian: …nobody.  Nothing.

Maxentius: D:< hey! –build monuments & temples anyways-  -ends up controlling a portion of Rome-

Galerius:  I’m feeling nice today. I think I’ll end Christian Persecution!

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Christians: SWEET.

Galerius: X.X –dies-

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Constantine and Maxentius: -both move in for position-

Maximinus and Licinus: -rule Eastern half-

Constantine: -rules Western half-  huh.  It’s about time someone took care of that upstart and jerk, Maxentius.

-skirmishskirmishskirmish-

Constantine: Oh, what’s this? A vision?!

Vision:  Constantine: What god should I pray to so I can win?  -Cross pops up out of nowhere-  Constantine: …the Christian God?  Banner on Cross: “With this symbol, you shall win”  Constantine: I take that as a Yes.

Constantine:  Well, how strange.  –puts Cross and Christ’s monogram on war emblems-

-BATTLESKIRMISH-

Maxentius: Fall back to Ponte Milvio!  Retreat! –loses balance-  Ah, someone help me!   -falls into river- X.X –drowns-

Constantine: ^.^ ha.  Thank you, Christian God.

Roman Senate: Let’s build an arch to commemorate Constantine! Hip Hip Hooray!

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Licinius: -defeats Maximinus (other Augustus)-

Constantine and Licinius: -left as two Augusti- >.> <.<   -mistrust-

Constantine & Licinius: -Edict of Tolerance (grants all citizens freedom to exercise religion – even Christians)-

Constantine and Crispus(Constantine’s son): -defeat Licinius-  -kill him one year later-

THE END

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