Searching For A Soul Mate

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“Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person” Richard Bach (American author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull 1936).

For a long, long time I knew “he” was out there and that as fate would have it I would find him. This was the period in my life when I struggled for survival alone.I had just come out of a marriage, that I had not been ready for in the first place – it is always much easier to see these things in retrospect – and for the first time in eleven and half years, I was single.

I married in 1983 after a seven year (to the day) courtship. You might say: seven years! Wow, for someone who wasn’t prepared for marriage, it’s not like you rushed into it! Well here’s the thing; I was 15 years old when we met and by 21 I had nowhere near the maturity required to contemplate wedlock. I don’t know whether I really loved him at all, I had very low self esteem back then, stemming from lack of affection in my family and when this good looking young man showed an interest, I could not believe it! He was one of the popular ones at school, girls were lining up to be with him and he wanted me! “I better go for this”, I thought, “I may never find anyone like this again.”

This began a pattern in my life of getting involved with the first male who would come along because in my mind the chances of finding anyone else were close to none. I took in the attention and never stopped long enough to question how I felt about this person. I just wanted someone and that was it.

After my marriage break up I began the quest to find my “Soul Mate”. When I would find him he would love and adore me and treat me like a queen and I would never be alone, or scared as he would take care of everything for me. Note that my plans never included how I would feel about him or what I would give to him. I was self centered and naive and terribly scared of being alone. I believed this magical man would be shot by Cupid’s arrow (I really did!) and fall madly in love with me. Was I chasing an unrealistic dream?

Joseph Ghabi is a clairvoyant and medium. He started the “Free Spirit Centre” website. He has a good article in it about soul mates, “Soul Mates is another Soul that share the same exact similar way of understanding as the other Soul and in this lifetime so they decided to share their growth and understanding together. It does NOT mean Soul Mates have to be in a relationship to make it work.”

A soul mate is not necessarily someone you will share a romantic relationship with; if it is it might not be a life long one.

In 2001 the “National Marriage Project” at Rutgers University ran a national survey of 1003 people aged 20 to 29. Of these 61% had never married. Social historian Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe headed the research and asked these young people questions in regards to their thoughts on marriage and divorce. 94% of the “never marrieds” stated that “when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” When asked how important it is to them to find someone who shares religious and ethical beliefs only 42% believed that it is paramount to be with someone who shares these core values. I obtained this information from an article by Scott M Stanley adapted from his book “The Power of Commitment”. He calls this myth about soul mates “soul-mate-ism”. “The danger is that many people hold to their desire for a soul mate who does not exist, and believe all the most unrealistic and dangerous things that are attached to the term”, he says.

As I look back at my experiences I can recall people I would recognize as soul mates and yet they were certainly not love interests. These days my own daughter fits that mold.

So what of romantic love? Should we all lose that hope of finding “the one” who will bring us endless joy and affection? I don’t think so. I still believe that there is someone out there for everyone and that a special person will bring you precious gifts under the guise of life lessons.

We have this belief that our love soul mate will be exactly like us and that we will get along so well, but think about it; you will never have a clean house if you are both messy. The other side to this is of course that when two people are polar opposites they can also drive each other crazy, I know as a neat freak I would soon get fed up of picking up after a sloppy friend.

My view – now I am much older and wiser – is that the Universe will send to us the perfect balance, being the person whom we have the most to learn from. Although this can be challenging and we sometimes wonder how clashing with someone can in any way be educational.

This is an interesting piece of information from “Netscape Love & Personal” website: “So do soul mates really exist? Researchers from the State University of New York at Buffalo say YES! You can find your perfect soul mate. Here’s the warning: It may only exist in your mind. Even if there is no such thing as a perfect soul mate, we can still believe we have found one. Both men and women are capable of developing a very real sense that our partners are mirror images of ourselves. That lets us see similarities that really don’t exist. But if we think they exist, then presto! We have a soul mate.”

All in our mind they say? Perhaps this is the explanation for the initial bumping into walls, butterfly in the stomach “in love” stage when you first meet someone. Of course at this time all the bad habits and faults are invisible. It’s because we have found “the one” that’s why! It is important that for a relationship to work the negative traits rise to the surface and that we fight at times and still love each other anyway. Yes it is ok to fight; you just have to learn to “fight well”. Be fair and remember it’s all right not to win sometimes. The old cliché about communication being the key is quite apt I think. Let’s face it; ESP was not on the curriculum at school so to except to be able to read each other’s mind is pretty far fetched.

As I reminisce about the time in my life when I felt most alone, afraid and desperate to find “the man”, I wish that I had stayed on my own for a lot longer and got to know myself and learnt to fill my own needs, because I did not find happiness until I stopped and did just that. I made a decision one day that I was ok and if I was to remain single for the rest of my days that would be ok too. I had finally discovered that I could be happy without a man. Don’t get me wrong it did not happen overnight, it was a struggle to just stop searching and just “be”. I realized that I had all I needed all along and there was not a man in sight!

I did meet someone eventually and, you guessed it; it was just when I least expected him and he got to know the “whole of me” as a complete human being. I did not have to settle for anything less than what I wanted and deserved. I look at my partner now and goodness knows we have had a lot of downs with our ups, but the way I see it, I’m a soul, he’s a soul and we are mates.

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