10 Ways NOT to Break Up

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10 Ways NOT to Break up With Your Significant Other.

  1. Fake your own death. You could have an obituary printed and some amiable friends play along. Maybe even have a lovely wake at a favorite bar-though don’t show, even in disguise. After a few toasts to yourself and what a great guy you were, the ‘disguise’ is going to fade, no matter how good.
  2. Simply move out, stuff and all, with no warning. Wait till they go to work and just remove all trace of yourself, right down to the kind of peanut butter you like. Takes some planning, and some really good and devious friends, but is completely doable.
  3. Pretend to ‘turn’ gay. If you have some gay friends, this can actually work quite well, if they are willing to play along. Just don’t take it too far. That can end badly for you and everyone involved.
  4. Fake amnesia. Pretend to lose all memory for of the time that the relationship existed in. If you have a family member that hated the person you dated, get them to play along. Makes it super believable.
  5. Join the peace core. It could be worth it.
  6. Join the armed forces. It could be worth it. Probably isn’t, but it could be. Depends on how desperate you are.
  7. Fake an illness that makes it impossible to ever have sex ever again. Even make up a name and start a cool ‘support’ website that they can join. Maybe even blog a day to day account of the progression of the disease.
  8. Drive into the middle of nowhere and have the unfortunate person check the tail light which you ‘think is out’. Then drive off watching their running, desperate little self shrink off into the horizon in your rear view mirror.
  9. Join a convent or seminary in the Catholic church. This can be temporary. It’s not like you have to take vows right away, and the peace and quiet could be just what you needed.
  10. Join a cult that makes it impossible to see this person again. Fred Phelps has some openings in Topeka, and that would turn ANYBODY off. They would leave you, so end of problem.

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