Alan: Not at the table, Carlos!
Stu: What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don’t you worry your pretty striped head, we’re gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we’re gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we’re gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he’s been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,
Stu: well then we’re sh*t out of luck.
Phil: You’re not really wearing that are you?
Alan: Wearing what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just f**kin’ with me?
Alan: It’s where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it’s not a purse, it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Alan: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan: I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.
Lisa: I’m not sure.
Alan: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there’s a phone in your room…
Alan: That’ll work.
Alan: Oh, you know what? Next week’s no good for me… The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it’s totally fine.
Alan: Hello. How ’bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City.
Alan: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Alan: Hey guys, when’s the next Haley’s comet?
Phil: Who cares, man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don’t think it’s for like another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it’s not tonight right?
Stu: No I don’t think so.
Alan: But you don’t know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley’s comet.
Doug: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan: Oh really?
Doug: It’s not easy.
Alan: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.
Stu: A what?
Alan: He was a ri-tard.
Doug: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.
Alan:: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It’s also illegal.
Alan: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
and the number one Hangover quotes is….
Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That sh*t’ll come back with you.