Males should not be allowed indoors unless properly domesticated

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Never let a member of the primate family (and yes, by this I do mean your boyfriend) stay at your place. Period. Unless you have a very understanding, trusting relationship, and it’s only for a couple nights, this will only equal hell in your household. I say this because, at this very moment, boyfriend is in my shower and this is my only time to myself. Of course, in 10 minutes I will no longer have time to myself and will have to return to playing happy families, pretending to laugh at his jokes, pretending to take in his advice, and trying to look interested in what he’s saying when really I’m counting all the ways in which I could kill myself using the present surroundings. You see, I have been left all alone in my house, (everyone else has gone on holiday somewhere warm with sexy guys playing beach volleyball only a few metres away) so Mike has ‘kindly’ offered to stay. At first I though “this will be ok, it will only be the odd night here and there, and I won’t have to deal with him too much, because we both work”. Oh how wrong I was. The first night he stayed, he insisted on sleeping almost on top of me. He seemed to think that staying the night meant he had to constantly snuggle. And he didn’t bring his fucking pillows, so he had to share mine, which made a bad situation worse (and was bloody stupid). I was suffocated, way too hot, and needless to say, not very happy. Thankfully, he left at 6.30 am, so I had the rest of the day to myself. However, due to the terrible night’s sleep I’d just had, I spent my day in bed. He came around after work, and the cycle restarted.

Not only this, but as he comes to mine straight after the gym, I have to cook dinner for him too. Now, let’s get this straight- I am NOT the domestic, household goddess guys dream of. I’m messy, play really loud music all the time, and often forget to make dinner so eat a packet of chocolate biscuits instead. But now I have to act like a fucking housewife, and it’s driving me insane! Especially as (due to lousy weather) I’m stuck inside all day. Inside is boring. I have honestly spent my days cooking, washing, drying, putting away, sweeping, cleaning, tidying and scrubbing the bloody body wash he uses off the shower wall. No kidding, I actually got driven so mad one day that I fully attacked him in the kitchen. He’s bloody lucky I didn’t grab a knife, because god knows I was about to.

And the worst part? He says it’s going to be so strange sleeping in his own bed, and that he’ll miss me. To be honest, I’ll be bloody glad to be rid of him.

So here I have written a list of pros and cons of having your boyfriend stay with you. (I’ll start with cons because they’re much more interesting, and personally I couldn’t give a fuck about the pros, but here we go..)


1) They wake up bloody early (6am!!) and expect you to be awake to say goodbye to them

2)  They leave the toilet seat up. Yes, it may only take us a second to flip it down, but it’s on principal that we don’t. And it only takes them a second to flip it down too.

3)  They leave soap scum in the shower and ‘can’t see it’ when they get out, so you have to scrub once they’re out

4) They are a bloody waste of water! Mike showered twice a day at mine, once before work and once after. Think of my hot water bill!

5) They complain about your soymilk (it’s not my fault I’m mildly lactose intolerant) and make a big deal about buying their own milk to put on their cereal

6)  They leave their shit everywhere! My bathroom was filled with razors, shaving foam, toothpaste, toothbrush, retainers (yes, he still has to wear his retainers to bed), and my living room (where we slept) was covered in his dirty washing and condom wrappers

7) They complain. Apparently the pillows I grabbed for him were not sufficient for his poor, delicate head (I really hope the sarcasm was apparent there), so they next day he turned up with his own pillows he had bought from home. He also got too cold at night (maybe he wouldn’t if he didn’t insist on sleeping naked), woken up by my cats (I admit, they’re little bastards, but I didn’t get woken up so I don’t see why he’s bloody complaining. It’s really his fault, and his fault alone, that he’s such a light sleeper), and bruises from when his skin came in contact with my fists (I maintain that it was not my fault in any way, shape or form).

8)  They knee you in the ass in the middle of the night. Mike had been telling me about how his brother twitched in his sleep and kneed his ‘lady-friend’ up the ass, then that same night he rolls over and wakes me by kneeing me in the bum. And he wasn’t twitching in his sleep, he was rolling over to get more comfortable and his knee invaded my ass-space. He found it hilarious. My bruised bottom and I did not.

9) They make you watch shitty movies. I had to sit through Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with him, and it wasn’t until the end that we both realized why it seemed so familiar- he had dragged me along to it at the movies. So I had to be put through that crap twice. We also had to watch Collateral Damage, even though he missed half of it and didn’t know what was going on. I got my own back though, and made him watch Glee the following night. Ha.

10) I could go on forever, but I think ten is a nice even number to finish on. So 10) At the end of their stay they leave shit behind so they have to return the next day to get it. Vital stuff, like body wash and phone chargers. Mike left his shampoo, conditioner, body wash, DVD, diary and phone charger at mine. And that’s only the things I’ve found. There are probably other things lurking around. He did leave the chocolate he bought too though, so it’s not all bad. And his milk, so now when everyone gets back (which should hopefully be soon) they will have some regular milk to use. I may have to buy him more milk..

Pro’s: (don’t worry, there aren’t very many of these)

1) Occasionally they will surprise you. I awoke one day to the sound of Mike emptying my dishwasher.

2) Wow, this is really hard.. um.. maybe there’s only one ‘pro’.. oh no, he bought chocolate around. That counts as a ‘pro’, right?

So even after all of this, Mike still wants to be with me, and for some reason I still want to be with him. He worried me the other day though when he was saying “oh, I won’t be able to see you tomorrow, you’ll be asleep when I go to work, and it’s Thursday, so you’re working at night. I’m going to miss you. What about Friday, are you free on Friday? I want to see you. I don’t like that I won’t be able to see you so much, it’s gonna be weird” (or something equally pathetic). Moral of the story? Do not let a male inhabit your space for more than a day or two at a time. Trust me; you will end up throttling him.


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