The Guru Speaks

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The elephant is the only animal with four knees.

In the long run, we will all be dead and none of us will have any money.

In his autobiography, U.S. President Martin Van Buren never mentioned his wife at all.

Pi • r • square? No — pie are round; cornbread are square.

Want to reduce your carbon footprint by twelve square feet? Clean the inside of your oven.

“Don’t YOU look nice!” = “What the hell is THAT you’re wearing?!”

Christmas trees are never as tall, nor holiday lights ever so bright, as when you were a child.

What’s the deal with camo-gear for 4- and 5-year-olds? Are there really that many of them heading into the wilderness stalking game or pursuing the enemy?

It’s infinitely easier for men to lay on their sides, for they are born with kickstands.

If you have to ask “Does this _________ make my butt look fat?”, your butt already looks fat. You should instead be asking “Does this ________ make my butt look fatter?”.

Life’s one sure rule: In the end, you just have to do everything yourself.

James Stephen Hogg, the first native Texan to become that state’s Governor, in 1875 named his newborn daughter Ima.

Get ready. This is one of those nights when one beer is too much, but fifteen cocktails aren’t enough.

The human population of America and the rat population of America are about equal.

Wouldn’t it be great if the punctuation came at the beginning of the sentence rather than the end, so that you’d get a little advance notice whether your wife was posing a rhetorical question or being sarcastic?

Chow is for dogs. Mess is for pigs. Cafeteria is for grad students and double-shift residents. Everybody else deserves real food.

Why are people surprised to find they dislike their elected officials after only a year, when the first true-love passion of their youth flamed out in just six weeks?

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