Things you may not want to do when you have a girlfriend (one you want to keep)

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Boyfriend and I were having an awesome time in the lead-up to Christmas. We hung out every night, went to see the Christmas lights twice, went to a movie Christmas eve, and he even came over on Christmas day. We were so happy; I was finally in the kind of relationship I’ve been wanting. Then he went away. Somehow, everything changed for the worse. It was ok in the beginning, I was fine with just texting each other good morning and goodnight texts. Then one day he didn’t text me at all. The next day he texted me saying “sory I didnt txt u yestrdae, we jst chilln n relaxn up hea”. So he was so busy doing NOTHING that he couldn’t text me. Nice. Now, I want to get this straight- I’m not the overbearing girlfriend type. I like my space, and always encourage him to go out with his mates, or out to parties and things, because we need time apart, for the sake of my sanity. But is one little text too much to ask? There was no way in hell I was going to text him first. I think that’s where it started; afterwards we kept getting in arguments about nothing, and he complained that I had ruined his new years (which incidentally was his birthday, but we won’t mention that). However, this time it was a quite significant fight.

First, background information. His best mate, who he went away with, goes out with my best mate (they got together after Mike and I did, so it’s not weird on my part). On New Years Eve (my Mike’s birthday), my best mate Caitlin called up her Mike and told him what was up with their relationship (not much. Apparently kissing him is like kissing her Grandmother-AWKWARD..). He started crying, and Caitlin hung up her phone. I told my Mike that Caitlin’s Mike needed emotional support, so to go and talk to him. After their little chat, my Mike texted me telling me that he had talked to other Mike and given him some advice. After much nagging from me, he told me what this advice was- to cheat on her with the array of sexy girls who were also staying up there. This didn’t faze Caitlin at all, she could not have cared less. It did, however, faze me. A lot. My Mike has a history, you see. He cheated on his last girlfriend twice, so to find out that this really was his solution to relationship problems shocked me. He had told me that he felt so bad he would never do it again, yet he recommends it to his best mate? There’s something not quite right there.. So I blew up at him, and that apparently ruined his new years. Did he not think that finding out my boyfriend is a total asshole might have ruined my evening too? It seems not.

Still, he texted me the next morning telling me that his night was good, that he danced and went for a long walk with randoms. Which basically means he chatted up chicks the whole night. I told him what I had been up to (hanging out with Caitlin’s ex and his mates, having fireworks etc, but made it sound much better than it was) and he got all weird, asking if any guys had been hitting on me, and whether I had hooked up with any of them. God, I wish I had hooked up with someone.. anyone.. but I hadn’t. And I told him so. Infact, I got a little aggressive, saying that no I hadn’t, and just because SOME PEOPLE are cheaters (I was obviously taking a stab at him) does not mean that everyone is. I was quite upset with the fact that he thought I may have cheated on him; I’m SO not that kind of girl. And he should bloody well know that by now. Anyway, that shut him up. But there are some things you just should not do when you have a girlfriend.

The first thing you should not do when you have a girlfriend is buy random girls in clubs drinks. This is something Mike does, and even tells me about. If you are going to be ‘that guy’ who has a girlfriend but spends most of his money buying other chicks drinks, DO NOT tell your girlfriend about it. You may get a slap. Infact, I would hope you’d get more than a slap, I think you should be bloody numb in the crotch region for a week, the result of a stab in the nuts by a stiletto. If you want to be seen as sleazy, that is your own problem, but do not expect your girlfriend to stick around.

The second thing you should never do is ditch her. Do not ditch her to hang out with your mates (if you made plans with her first then the ‘bros before hoes’ rule is not applicable. Unless something drastic has happened. And by drastic I mean death), talk to other girls (if it was innocent you would have introduced her. She knows this, don’t play dumb), and do not ditch her at a party full of YOUR friends. One time we went to a rugby match with Mike’s mates and a couple of Brazilian girls. At one point during the game (after not talking to me the whole ride in or once we’d gotten there) he got up from his seat next to me, and blatantly went to sit next to his mate and the Brazilians. He talked and laughed with them as if nothing was wrong. So I was surrounded by HIS mates, who I did not know very well, AND I was left so he could go and chat up chicks with his mate. In front of me. Why the hell am I still with him..? Worse still, his stupid bloody mother blames ME for his behaviour that night.

Another thing not to do if you actually want to keep your girlfriend is cheat on her. This is damn obvious, and should need absolutely no explaining. If you cheat on her, she will hate you for the rest of eternity. She will not forgive you, and you will ruin the prospect of future relationships, because as soon as someone finds out you’re a cheat, they will automatically be turned off. Enough said. The strange thing is, Mike cheated on his last girlfriend (who I hear is an absolutely amazing person. She’s a bloody saint in my mind for putting up with him for so long), yet now he’s terrified that I’LL cheat on HIM. I know I’m a damn sight better looking than he will ever be, but that is no reason for his insecurity. HIS cheating has made HIM paranoid, and paranoia is not really a trait sought after by many women.

A further thing to steer clear from is checking out other girls, or talking about how hot other girls are in front of her. This makes her insecure, and is obviously a power-play on your behalf. Either that or you’re trying to encourage her to change, which is never a good sign in a relationship. Bringing her down may make you feel powerful in the beginning, but when she dumps your sorry ass you will have no power over the situation. In addition, you’ll feel rejected, and probably far worse than you ever made her feel.

Do not get too drunk. Throwing up on her shoes is not endearing, it’s disgusting. Watching you barf in the bushes is not sexy. Having to look after you when you’ve coma-ed is a fucking nightmare. And if you’re drunk and stupid, the retarded things you do aren’t funny, they’re either crass or dangerous, neither of which we want you to become. If you talk a lot when you’re drunk, do not divulge our secrets to everyone, in front of us. Infact, try not to speak. A drunk guy is not an attractive guy, and if you want to be taken home (and not by mummy sitting there with her cold flannel all ready for you), know your limit and do not overdo it.

Obviously there are many more things guys should not do if they ever want a relationship spanning more than 4 days (like wearing her clothes [honestly, a boyfriend of mine once asked to try on my pants. At which point I ran screaming], forgetting to brush you teeth, mocking her uneven boobs etc), but to write them down would be even more tedious than watching a teenager pick broccoli out of their braces. So use this as a guideline, and don’t do anything stupid, like my stupid boyfriend already has.

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