First off, I would love to state, I am not an advocate for extramarital affairs. I am also not a saint. With the Tiger Woods scandal on everyone’s mind, let’s consider what went wrong and find the solution.
In the beginning, there was the cell phone. It is mighty and powerful. Tiger loved his phone. Well, the cell phone has caused many a relationship to deteriorate. The late night texts, the phone ringing while you are in the boudoir handling business with your betrothed. The video message of jiggling breasts or a bouncing penis, not a friend to long term marriage. If you must use a cell phone for on the side loving, get a prepaid one. Place a password on it and set it to automatic shutoff when it goes into idle mode.Stop leaving voice mails. Tiger did. They leave a trace. Voice mails are a hot poker on a furry hide. His was the voice mail that made all hell break loose. I’m not sure all those women coming out of the woodwork were with Tiger, but one voice mail made the whole world believe this man was Wilt Chamberlain on speed. Nipsey Russell could claim a relationship with Tiger Woods from the grave and everyone would believe it. Yes, your voice is sexy and your new amour wants to hear it all the time. Yes the, ahem, situation may feel urgent, but is it urgent enough to get caught when the other person in the relationship stops by your home and plays that voice mail for your husband or wife at the door of the beautiful home you two created together? I think not.
By all means, no pictures together. Do not go out in public. I don’t care how much they want to visit the pier or that fancy restaurant across town. Someone you know will see you. They will look sheepishly at the ground, promise not to say anything, but who can hold in such juicy information? It also makes them feel good to see they aren’t the only ones failing at home. Do not discuss the little ‘something on the side’ with your friends. Yes, they are your buddies, but guess what? Your buddies gossip.
Make sure to leave a change of clothing in the trunk of your car. Let your loved one know about it, suggest they keep a valise in their vehicle, as well. No toothpaste, no cologne, no soap products, just a change of clothing. Guys, the clothing you pack cannot be the bright Hawaiian shirt from Aloha Surf Shop. Get a pair of navy khakis and a dark colored pullover. For the girls, a black dress, slacks or skirt past the knees, with a neutral colored blouse. This is not the time to pack that tight sequined top and leather animal print miniskirt. A baseball cap never hurt nobody and the sun protection it offers, well as we all know, never enough sun protection.
When you are confronted, and oh, it will happen. Deny, deny, deny. The saying ‘Loose lips sinks ships’ is not just a cute rhyme. Spill and your relationship will sink faster than the Titanic. Lastly, the best thing you can do, is keep it in your pants. I think chastity belts are a good thing. A matching male and female version. I wear mine proudly. As I stated before, I don’t condone extramarital affairs, but I am no saint.