Did I cry when I found out? Of course. Especially in the evenings after he had gone to bed, after I had cleaned up three glasses of spilled drinks, picked up all the crayons, leggos, drawing papers, toys, that he drags out everyday over and over. After I had tried to glue together one more time, that figurine that he always plays with and breaks, and burried his brothers broken toys in the garbage can, so they would not be seen. I would and still sometimes do, lay in my bed, frustrated with him, my life, and myself for not being stronger, more patient, and a better parent, and have it out with God, blubbering and crying the whole time about my life. The way we have been treated, the things people believe about us as a family and me as a parent get whined over sufficiently. Then I always feel stupid, because I know there are others who have suffered and are suffering still much more than we do. I try not to let myself feel guilty for my moments of grief. I believe they must be vented somehow, or else I would just fold up and become useless to my child. So I wait till he is sleeping, and I break down with my creator. I ask for help, patiences, wisdom, sometimes even forgiveness for all the mistakes I have made that day. Believe me there is no abundance of perfection in my life or my parenting. I just do the best I can. When I am having my little pity party it always comes to my head, and really how could it not, why would God make him this way, or allow this to happen to him, if he didn’t make it happen himself? You would not be human if you did not think this sort of thing. Here’s how I beleive about this thing, and how I keep myself strong.
First let me just plea that you not barrage me with your doubts, or outrage at my thoughts. This is my way of dealing, yours may be different. I don’t need to be brought down or corrected, I am only hoping to lift up those who may see reason in my feelings on the matter.
I beleive that our children suffer because mankind is weak. All the diseases and imperfections that happen to our children or even other adults, is because we as a people grow cold to God. We have begun to push him out of our civilized world, and with that pushing come the logical thoughts of euthanization, abortion, and other things, that steal our humanity, meaning our compassion, from us. We as a race have begun to loose love for our fellow man, for strangers, for our neighbors, and only worry about ourselves, and maybe if we are lucky we care about those in our lives but no others. You must admit, that even within some families, there is a distance, family time is sacrificed for money makeing. Sometimes of course it needs to be, but sometimes, money should be sacrificed for family, and we are loosing that. So into our lives come these children or circumstances, that force us to redirect. I am not saying that all families with autistic children have been cold people. Far from it. I am suggesting, that there must be a balance, it is worked into God’s plan that when we as a people do things that are uncaring, the plan works in reasons that we must again care. We dump pollution, people get sick, and now we must show love and care for those sick people. We put things in food or create medicines that are not properly tested, and people get sick, the results are that more and more people require compassion. We sell drugs to make a fortune, and little babies are born addicted. When they are looking us in the eyes, will we turn away uncaring. No we reach out and care for them. Some are heartless, but others become all heart. I honestly beleive that if we became a world of people who worry first, in all situations, what may happen on a large basis, a long term basis, to our own people, then things like cancer, disease, mental illness, would drop dramatically. This planet is like a massive machine, the cogs and wheels are turning, but if a few people take some of those gears for their own personal use, then the rest of us that were benefiting from them are bound to loose quality of life.
Special people like my son, are reasons for people to face eye to eye, their lack of compassion. Now that you see your selfishness face to face, will you still be selfish asks God’s plan? Of course some folks will, but others will change, and still others, will become so compassionate, that they will compensate for those who won’t change. That is what we are who take care of special children. Who love them. We are those who compensate for the lack. Are all of them being loved and cared for? No of course not, If mankind can be selfishly neglectful to the well, then certainly there are those who can be selfishly neglectful to the not well. That is why there is always such a public outcry when stories of such abuse are uncovered. We seem to just understand as a people that there are those special people who deserve our compassion, because we have a sense that we as a people are the ones who caused it.
God once taught us to behave, and be compassionate to the injured samaritan, but as we overthrow his teachings for the logic of a might makes right mentality, and push him away, we make it possible in our minds to accept a certain amount of loss. That is untill that loss finally finds itself in your cradle in your nursery. Then it is not okay anymore. People cry out. Causes are uncoverd, and solutions are created. 1 in 89 people have autism. It has finally made it’s way into enough nurseries, for people to begin to cry out. I don’t begin to know what the cause is, but I am sure that there will be more of an effort to find out what it is and change it when they do know, now that everyone, even little nobodies like me are being affected by this. I am completely sure it will turn out to be some sort of money saving shortcut, that is the cause.
I think of my son as a beacon to mankind. A message straight from heaven, that we are turning a blind eye to often. I think of myself and my family, as one that must stand up and be seen as sacrificing our own comfort, to love someone who really needs our love. I could throw him into an institution, but then there would be nurses and doctors standing up to do the job God put in front of me. Will we rise to the occasion and be someone who lifts up mankind, by showing compassion to one who is in need, or not? Now don’t get me wrong, I am not bashng those who put their kids in an institution, because that is the best place for them to be, that is different than just throwing them in there and saying goodbye your not our problem anymore. I myself think about getting my son involved in some sort of program where he can live more independently as he becomes an adult, I believe that is a type of institutional care, and I believe that will be good for him when he is ready, so I am not against institutions by any means.
I am part of mankid, I have been selfish and uncaring in my life, I certainly am not perfect. I bear some of the guilt just as we all do, but there are those who bear much more of the guilt for getting rich on things that hurt people. Perhaps it was my moments of selfishness, that turned some of those people into uncaring pushers, who knows? I believe we have done this to ourselves, and now we must undo what we have done. This is the way I see it. The way that allows me to believe in a caring God. A God who cares about me individually and will stand with me to help me bear the things that make me weak, but he also cares about mankind as a race, cares that we must change and become the people he intended us to be. A God who will also be there for my son to cry out to when he faces his own weaknesses. He (God) doesn’t cause disease, the choice has always been in our own hands, from the beginning that the plan was made. Do we step on others to become a bigger success or don’t we. Do we get involved enough to encourage good ethics out there in the world, or do we say, hey this is not our problem? Are you doing all you can to make a difference, probably not, there are very few who dedicate their entire lives to fixing wrongs, but are you at least doing something to make a difference? A little from all of us would go a long long way. There are a lot of people on this planet after all.
If you had to choose who was flawed, God or Man, what would you answer? Even if you do think (of your personal opinion, not mine) God is flawed, you cannot deny that mankind is far more flawed. We have caused so many messes down here, such as slavery, murder, genocide, war, pollution, addiction, crime in general, bioweapons, nuclear destruction, and so much more despair in every shape size and color. I beleive that God is perfect, and we have done these things to ourselves. I am positive that autism has been caused by man and not God. This is how I cope, how I find solice in my creator, accept his strength when I am weak. He is blameless, and I cannot say that about myself. While I did not do drugs, smoke, drink or anything else that caused my sons autism, I am a member of the species that did all these things, sold them to the public, and many other dangerous practices that we all must now bear.