Patently Absurd Inventions

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Simulated Firearm With Pivot Mounted Whiskey Glass – Just point the gun at your mouth and pull the trigger.  The shot glass pivots into your mouth.

Baby Patting Machine – Babies are sometimes lulled to sleep by rocking and having their bottoms gently patted.  Although automated rockers have been with us for a while, this motorized contraption was supposed to periodically pat the baby’s rump.  The problem was, if the baby moved around very much, it may end up getting its nose patted instead.

Sunbather’s Toe Rings – These were intended to hold the two big toes together in order to prevent the legs from turning outward and cause uneven tanning.

Forget-Me-Not – In 1964, a patent was issued for this device.  It attaches to the zipper of a small boy’s pants and rings an alarm if his zipper starts to come open.

Photo ID on Dentures – These dentures were demonstrated at the Chicago Dental Society meeting in 1966.  The idea here is that the dentures had a picture of the owner laminated into the palate of the dental plate for identification.  I presume this would very helpful if your dentures were lost in a crowd or were mixed in with a pile of lost dentures.

The Sleep Machine – This was an attempt to capitalize on the fact that so many Americans routinely fall asleep in front of the television.  The Sleep Machine featured a TV like screen that flickered a soft blue light.  Although it never caught on, the flickering light would probably do the job, if you think of it in terms of brainwave entrainment.

Battery Powered Spaghetti Fork – Israel Robert Smuts of Livingston, New Jersey patented this invention in 1971.  It had a motorized handle which wound the spaghetti around the tines.


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