What not to do and why
1. Don’t be so trusting that the idea that he could be unfaithful
takes you completely off guard.
Always hold the possibility that your husband can/will lie
can/will cheat, can/will hurt you.
Just as you appreciate he could die, and take life insurance,
appreciate he could cheat and take your ‘adultery insurance’ .
2. Do not betray your suspicions.
Lull him into a false sense of security. Deal with your life.
*** Do not follow him, hire a detective, drive yourself crazy.
Finding out what he wrote to his whore of the month on his
computer will only make you unhappy. Catching him may be
what he wants to PROVE how important he is in your world.
Nothing a man likes more than two women fighting over him.
Nothing is more destructive to your reputation, your sense of
self, than to reduce yourself to the level of his whore.
You DON’T NEED PROOF.****
3. Do not stop your life to follow his
If he is going to leave you and he is ‘your whole world’
he will take your ‘whole world’ when he leaves. If you
have your own world, in which marriage is a component
he can only take that component.
4. Do not spend your time moping over him
Get your life back. Spend your time arranging for a
life without him. No matter what happens, you have
to live with you, not with him. Do not spend your time
crime, waiting for him to come home, trying to seduce
him, doing things for him, spend your time organising
your own life.
5. Do not try to stop him from going out
Many women have suffered beatings when they attempt
to prevent his leaving. Never get between him and the
door when he’s hot to see his whore.
6. Do not make scenes.
Dramas cast him as the protagonist. They elevate him
to the highest level he can attain. By ignoring him and
his affairs, you remove the major ‘get’.
Many men launch affairs to get attention from their wives,
to prop up their failing ego, to prove they still have it.
Andropause is far more serious than Menopause.
Do not give him what he really wants, the proof that you
can’t live without him.
The added benefit of your refusal to participate in his
drama is that he often becomes far more blatant in
7. Do not try to Save the Marriage
A marriage is a relationship between two people. Once
there are three people, the marriage is over. Just as
Granpa needs his death registered to be official. non-
registration does not mean he’s alive.
The minute your husband is involved with another woman
the marriage is over save for a stamp on a piece of paper.
Whatever happens after the adultery is a whole nother
story. But this marriage is over
8. Don’t be afraid to consult a lawyer.
Don’t think that ‘official’ recognition of his betrayal
‘proves’ he is unfaithful. That was proven long ago.
Nor that taking this step is somehow detrimental.
A good lawyer gives good advice; i.e. telling you
to hold on so that you can move property, get more
in a settlement, etc. Showing you how to reorganise
Not consulting a lawyer, or taking the ‘catch him’
remark at face value, is a mistake. You need to
have some sort of security.
9. Keeping it to yourself
Talk to people. Join social groups where you can talk
in confidence with others. Be careful of the blabbermouth
who’ll tell him before you are ready for your knowledge to
be public. Many women have been there and know what
to do. Some made a botch of it, learn from their mistakes.
You are only alone if you have allowed him to destroy your
social network. Rebuild it.
10. Don’t take the blame
Men do not cheat because of anything their wives did or
didn’t do. Men cheat, then look for excuses.
A man needs a willing female to cheat. In many cases,
there is not an aisle in the supermarket, or even a section
of a bar which provides this commodity.
Prostitution is a category by itself, so a man who is unfaithful
with prostitutes is in a different situation than the man who
becomes involved with another woman to the extent she is
It is an emotional as well as physical affair, and does not
The man who cheats has been cultivating a relationship
with another woman with the intent that it reaches the
He has been invovled with someone long before the clothing
came off. Involved with the concept of infidelity before he
saw that particular female.
The man who cheats is in pre-adultery mode before he met
anyone with whom to commence adultery.
Hence because the wife has a cold, or dyed her hair, or fought
with him over the children, is not the reason. It is the excuse.
It is never your fault that your husband is unfaithful. It can be
your fault that the marriage breakdown. But the breakdown of
marriage because of its own internal flaws would preceed his
involvement with another female.
11. Don’t follow his script
Deal with his adultery in the manner which best serves your
interest. Which saves your self-respect, gets you as much
economic benefit, and that when you leave the relationship
you are at a better level than when you went in.