I almost hate watching celebrities and music artists on television. They all look flawless, perfect, beautiful and SLIM. No double chins, no flab, no cellulite, just pure perfection and it makes me second guess and question myself where my appearance is concerned.
Over the last 5 years I have gained 30-40 fluctuating lbs that I cannot seem to control or permanently lose. Does my weight bother me? An honest answer to that question is no, I am actually okay with my weight. I know lots of full figured women who look absolutely great, sexy and appealing. What does bother me is what everyone else thinks of my size.
All of my childhood years, teenage years and most of my adult life I have been on the slim side. In fact, as a child I was ridiculed for being too skinny. No matter what I ate or how much, it was almost impossible for me to gain weight. I could eat whatever I wanted at any time of the day and my weight would not be affected. I don’t think I realized then how good I had it. Now that I’m in my thirties I am not that fortunate. It’s a constant battle to watch what I eat, when I eat it and how much of it I consume. This isn’t good for you, that isn’t good for you, this has too many carbs, that has too many calories, try this diet, try these weight loss pills, join this aerobics class, join that gym, and on and on it goes. It drives me nuts!! Why am I doing all this? Why am I constantly fighting this battle?
Will losing weight put more money in my pockets? Will losing weight get me a happy relationship with Mr. Right? Will shedding a few pounds solve any of the insecurities I have with myself?
I hate to admit this but maybe losing weight will put more money in my pockets. It’s a known fact that people respond to you differently based on your appearance. Men are visual creatures and a slim, attractive body will catch his attention hell of a lot faster than a sharp brain or a personality. Maybe some of my insecurities have to do with my weight. Was I any happier when I was a few pounds lighter?
If this is the world we live in then I’m in no rush to conform. I don’t want to get paid because of my looks. I don’t want a man to be attracted to me only because he feels I have a sexy body. Regardless of weight or size, I want to be strong enough to acknowledge and overcome my insecurities regardless of the size of my jeans. I want to be respected and loved in a relationship because of my mind. I want success and recognition based on merit, not based on looks or the size of my abs.
What is so wrong with being imperfect? What’s wrong with being full figured? Whats so bad about having a few love handles and slightly bigger assets? I need to learn to be okay with who I am. I need to master the art of fully accepting me regardless of what anyone else thinks. I have to learn to embrace my curves and understand that it’s okay to have some extra baggage. If I lose this weight, if I fight this battle, it needs to be because I am uncomfortable, not because I am insecure and concerned with how others define beauty or what others find acceptable where weight is concerned.
The images on television have us brainwashed to believe that beauty only comes in one form. The movies, videos, magazines lead us to believe that weight and appearance will open doors that otherwise would remain closed and this may be true but is it meant for each and every one of us to look the same? Does every sister have to be a size 6 in order to get a man? Does all talent have to come packaged like a model in order to get recognition? Do we really have to live life depriving ourselves of certain delicious foods and meals in order to feel validated and accepted by others? Maybe we do and that is okay for those who choose to abide by those rules which are enforced by a superficial society but I don’t abide by rules, I bend and break them so that they work for me.
I am beautiful inside and out and no matter the size I will always be the same person. My heart will always remain in the same place. I obsess over many many things but weight will no longer be one of them. Will I continue to try and lose a few pounds? Sure. I want a healthy body but I will no longer obsess over it and I won’t do it for anyone’s satisfaction but my own.