Begin the talk about your future by asking what your boyfriend thinks. Find out if he has any plans for his future and if so, what they are. The best way to avoid scaring your boyfriend away is to allow him to state what his plans are. It’s never a good idea to start off the conversation by telling him what you expect. You may be let down if you start spouting off demands to your boyfriend. No one wants to be pushed into living together, marriage, or even children and expecting these things from your boyfriend could cause you to be disappointed.
If your boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants in his future, don’t be upset by this. Some men are unsure of who they are and where their life is going…in fact, man or woman, many of us feel like this. Just listen to your boyfriend and help him to decide what kinds of things make him happy. If you are one of them, then suggest that you talk about where your relationship is heading by asking his opinion before stating yours.
Your boyfriend may feel a little put on the spot by questions of your future together, so lighten the mood by telling him you are nervous about the future too. Explain what you would like to have happen in the next few years (and use ‘the next few years’ as a starting point to help him feel less stressed about giving you a future now). Giving your boyfriend a longer time frame will help him to feel less scared about providing you with all you want right now. Even if you feel you want that kind of commitment now, you’re going to have to be patient. Just because you’re ready to live together or get married, does not mean he will be.
Tell your boyfriend why you want to share certain things with him in your future together. Let him know how much you love him and how much he makes you happy to want to share these things. Rather than letting your boyfriend think that you just want to get married and have children, let him know that it’s because of him that you want these things eventually (notice the word ‘eventually’). It’s important for your boyfriend to realize that he’d be giving you a future that you want with him and not giving it to you just because you want it. If your boyfriend understands that it’s him that makes you want to have a future, then he’ll be more apt to talk about things with you as long as your commitment to each other is strong.
Make sure the length of time you and your boyfriend have been together is at least a year or more before talking about the future. If you confront your boyfriend with words like ‘future’, ‘marriage’, or ‘children’ before at least a year, chances are, you will scare him off a little. Commitment is a big word for some men, especially if they haven’t been vested in the relationship that long. You should not expect a talk about your future to go well until at least a year of your relationship has gone by, unless your one of those miraculous couples that fell in love immediately and you know your boyfriend wants to be with you forever. This is a bit rare otherwise.
Consider if either of you already has children before talking about your future. When discussing your future relationship with your boyfriend, you will want to find out how he feels about trying a future with another woman, when perhaps his first long term relationship didn’t work. A man who already has children or has been divorced may be more intimidated by talking about a future than a man who has never had these things. In order to avoid scaring your boyfriend away, first discuss how he feels about having you in his life around his children and if he has ever considered having you around more permanently. A conversation about the future with a man who has been married and/or has children will need to be a bit more delicate because he may already have preconceived notions about the future from his past relationship.
If you’re close to your boyfriend’s friends, talk to them about how to approach your boyfriend about the future. See what they think. A man’s friends will usually be honest with you about he feels about the future and you, unless they don’t like you. You may get some good advice about how to handle a conversation like this with your boyfriend and not scare him away. This is best to try only if your boyfriend’s friends like you and think you are good for him. You’ll get the best point of view this way.
Ask your boyfriend’s family for advice, as long as you’re close to them. A mother, especially, can help you to talk to your boyfriend about the future and not scare him away. Your boyfriend’s mother will usually be quite honest with you about her son’s thoughts, fears, and wants…if she knows them and they are close. Your boyfriend’s family, if nothing else, may be able to suggest ways for you to approach the talk of your future together so that you do not scare your boyfriend off.