New cars from GM use no gasoline, run purely on horses

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By Mark Birnbaum

Two models will feature one and two horsepower; GM persists as cornerstone of innovation

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The wave of the future? Hell yes.

Don’t count GM out, yet, market analysts advise.

GM’s research and development division has been buried under a shroud of secrecy, with the latest technology emerging from its top-secret “green” project, promising to use no gasoline whatsoever.

Newly appointed President and Chief Operating Officer Fritz Henderson of General Motors outlined the company’s bold new strategy as it emerges from Chapter 11 and screwing over all its creditors.

“With more consumers wishing to leave a smaller carbon footprint and give something back to the environment, our groundbreaking “horse-drawn” automobiles are sure to please even the most hardcore car aficionado.  We have a few loving nicknames for our pet project at R&D, like “buggy” and “carriage””, remarked Henderson to sporadic nervous laughter from the meeting of shareholders.

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0-6 in 60 seconds for the entry level model.

“We of course had to make a few sacrifices,” explained Henderson, covering his nose with his handkerchief.  “We had to forgo acceleration and handling in the name of fuel efficiency,” pointing towards a mound of hay and salt-lick.  “These are the fossil fuels of the future!”

Before Henderson could continue with further details, the first “model” proceeded to take a big steaming shit on the finely crafted marble floors.

“We’re still working out some of the kinks, folks,” Henderson offered.  “Please, please, we really wanted to revolutionize the driving experience, including a brand new “new car smell”, with options such as ‘country fresh’ and ‘barnyard delight’, to name a few.”

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New “buggy-safe” roads will need to be installed across the country.

The fire department was called in only moments later as a small congregation of shareholders huddled over an oil drum, promptly igniting their soon-to-be worthless shares in General Motors.

“People!  I ask you all to increase your calm!” but before the president could utter the word “Seabiscuit”, the second prototype used an unknown amount of torque to force two reporters across the room with its rear suspension.

It is unknown if GM will seek another government bailout, or if the government will require a subsequent bailout as a consequence of such a bailout.

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Exceptional stability and superior handling.

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