Eager to get back on the wagon of pressing international affairs
After pouring shot glass after shot glass of heart and soul into American Idol for the last decade, choreographer and involuntary comedian Paula Abdul will now move on to sandier pastures as she departs for Iran as part of the U.S.’ envoy to the strife-ridden Middle East.
American Secretary of State Mr. Hilary Clinton felt the change in strategy was crucial in reaching out to the younger Iranian electorate, proving that America means no harm, despite its malignant tendency to produce dramatized, commercialized, and sensationalized pop culture drivel.
What happens on TV stays on Youtube.
“We want to show the people of Iran that our perception of them is not limited to the somewhat bad-ass portrayal of Persians in the blockbuster movie spectacular, 300,” Clinton affirmed. “I mean, those Immortal guys with the sweet masks were fucking scary, but our market research shows that only a very small proportion of the the modern Iranian populace would attack a defiant and resolute group of Spartan soldiers at the Hot Gates.”
“I typify everything Iranian, mortals.”
Paula Abdul would bring her resounding wit and incoherent diatribes to the fancy free negotiations, making her invaluable in the effort to dissuade Iran from continuing its pursuit of nuclear weapons and disrupting the black market trade of Simon Cowell bobbleheads.
Cheethe and crackerth!
“Cultural experts have deemed that Ms. Abdul’s unique blend of being female, frequent public intoxication, and provocative attire will go over famously with the Islamic Republic,” Clinton explained as she handed out sample mix CDs of the Jewish rapper Matisyahu and bottles of Manishewitz wine that will be air dropped into major Iranian population centres.
“She has already lent invaluable advice to our political tacticians, such as suggesting giving Supreme Leader Khameini and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad subsidized bus tours of Israel and day passes to the Dead Sea Spa.”
The coveted diplomatic position was first considered for returning Idol judge Kara DioGuardi; however, her propensity to spew monologues rich with self-righteousness, condescension and self-importance were deemed to be incompatible with the oratory style of the Iranian leadership.
“On Iranian Idol, they’d stone this bitch! P.S. I’m better than everyone.”