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By Mark Birnbaum

Forget the dotcom bust of yore.

A sensational new website aims to capture an entirely untapped portion of the world market, and aspires to have its stock overvalued and under-analyzed by the end of the fiscal year.

www.HolyWarriorAtYourDoor.com caters to every religion, creed, worldview and psychological imbalance, providing highly trained specialists that will do the dirty deeds that your respective holy book declares necessary to appease Yahweh/Allah/Zeus/Ra/Holy Trinity/Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, etc.


We even do Bar Mitzvahs!

Strike fear and submission into the hearts of your enemies, make them see the true path to all things righteous, by simply imposing your views upon them in a fun and creative way!

The basic packages simply involve harassment and scare tactics.  However, for a small fee they can arrive in a crusader  knight’s regalia mounted atop  heavy war cavalry.  Or perhaps something more contemporary, such as one draped in a monk’s robe with thumbscrews and portable Iron Maiden.  If your budget is higher, they can even dispatch a band of Hebrews recently freed from Egypt and commanded to march the Sinai and invade sovereign city states under order of an invisible sky man!  The glass orbs of the heavens 30 miles away is the limit!


Diplomacy? Screw that. Nothing says “In the name of the Lord” like being impaled by a lance!

The site also caters to public functions.

Maybe your Black/Jewish/Gypsy/Mormon neighbour’s dog has been running on your lawn again and you want to teach the scoundrel a lesson.  For only $999 (plus lumber) a dozen men in white robes and hoods can craft a ten foot cross, nail your pesky neighbour to it (local anaesthetic extra), set him ablaze, and let the rest of the neighbourhood see how righteous you can be!


Show the heathens that you mean business, or your money back.

The deluxe package, while far more explosive and awe inspiring than the standard offerings, is a pairing-up system that is thus far unprecedented.  The site will find a fundamentalist Muslim who hasn’t been getting any, reinforce the promise of dozens of delectable virgins upon entering the gates of heaven (where do all those virgins come from anyway?), and send him into your densely-populated area of choice.  Talk about going out with a bang!


Be as holy as you can be, do it right with some TNT

Don’t let self-righteousness be a bore, get a holy warrior at your door!*

*While supplies last


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