Burn 1000 calories per gaming session
Nintendo simply won’t rest on its laurels and continues to achieve in the field of innovation and creativity.
Despite the US mint ceasing operations due to the Wii’s ability to print money, Nintendo is aiming its bow and arrow of profit straight into your pockets. Icarus, eat your wax-winged heart out.
On Monday the groundbreaking title Manual Labour Happy Fun Time Smiles! hit stores, letting gamers experience what it’s like to do some heavy lifting.
Build a giant wall for fun!
With WiiFit and WiiSports Resort being multi-million sellers, the marketing model that Nintendo employs is as sweet and tasty as the lemon meringue pie that fat kid is eating in front of the TV.
The game promises overweight players a thrilling trip through time, making stops at all of history’s favourite exploitative ventures.
Be a salt miner in Carthage! Experience work in the involuntary labour industry as you pound the sickle into the wall.
Practice your balance as you precariously juggle vials of nitroglycerine. That trans-Canadian Railway isn’t going to get built by itself, you lazy sh*t!
The taste of 300 calories per day is almost palpatable.
Be a forced labourer in Siberia! The game will synchronize with your home’s thermostat, cranking the air conditioning to the max and giving you that authentic “I don’t know whether I’m going to freeze first or starve to death” feel.
Hell, make a stopover in 18th century America and be a sharecropper in Southern Louisiana! Feel the joy and elation as you work tirelessly day and night for room, board, and tools, only to find out that your indentured adventure will last until the day you die! Do you like indigo? Cotton? No? Too bad, it’ll be fun!
Lug water from the well!
Haven’t you always wondered how the Great Pyramid At Giza was built? Stop wondering, as the thermostat fries you at 50 degrees Celsius and you build the pyramid! Drag that two tonne slab of stone across the desert! Get your little brother in on the fun as he stands atop and whips you mercilessly from the couch (whip and reed sold separately).
Help DeBoers sustain its global monopoly and manipulation of diamond prices as you labour over life and limb mining the precious gems!
Long live Capitalism and the Emperor!
A special unlockable bonus stage will allow players to assume the role of Russian civilians in the Caucasus, digging anti-tank ditches for the amiable German overseers!
The game is being touted as a revolutionary tool in addressing the obesity epidemic in the United States; a variety of appetite suppressants are supplied with every game. Further, a special attachment will monitor the player’s heart rate and pupil dilation to ensure they are in maximum protein-burning mode.
Get 50 points and avoid an electric shock for every tank you prevent from passing!
Starvation and merciless slave labour will be the next big diet craze, so don’t miss out.
Manual Labour Happy Fun Time Smiles! Retails for $89.99 and is available at all stores and border crossings.