Out-of-work Communist/Fascist/Nazi agents incited new bill in Parliament
Canadians are being advised to make haste to local supermarkets to gather remnants of canned foods in anticipation of what has been dubbed by Conservatives as, “The end of the feckin’ world!”
Last week Parliament passed a new bill into law legalizing (and therefore encouraging) the personal use of cannabis sativa. The bill, which passed with surprising ease and a general sense of well-being, will allow the Canadian government to tax and regulate the sticky icky substance, creating ridiculously tasty tax revenues and promptly eliminate the black market demand for the ish.
Conservatives and other elderly people, colloquially and warmly referred to as “buzzkills”, were quick to criticize the bill, claiming that Armageddon was imminent, and some even had to change their diapers when several horsemen with otherwise benign intentions rode past them in the park.
“This is blasphemy! This is madness!” declared Gerald Dickerson, a 64 year-old man from Etobicoke. ”The government is totally fiscally responsible. It is an outrage to bring in further tax revenue to offset substantial deficits by employing the regulation of a substance already used by millions of Canadians!”
A passerby, clearly bewildered by the man’s “lameness”, pondered kicking the gentleman in the groin or offering him a neatly rolled joint as a peace offering. ”Chill dude. Try this,” the passerby extolled, extending the sweet-sweet deliciousness. The old man, at first apprehensive, quickly relinquished his reservations as his worries dissolved into a fine, smoky haze.
Advocates of keeping marijuana as a Class II controlled substance include the big-time-lame-crew group, People who Understand Society Sometimes Ignores Evil Sinners (PUSSIES), a right-wing organization that also directly funds the controversial “Jesus’s Sunday afternoon shooting range” youth program, with pictures of abortion doctors as targets. Children are encouraged to espouse maniacal laughter as they learn the calibre of bullet necessary to dislodge an abortion doctor’s spinal column from his respective brain stem.
The PUSSIES maintain the mantra that marijuana is a “gateway drug”, citing outdated and since-discredited studies to support this outlandish claim. In response to a recent study that shows marijuana to be no more addictive than pancakes, the group released the following ironic statement: ”The thing is people can’t think for themselves, and they get so confused about reality. That’s why they’re willing to believe anything a scientist will tell them.”
There is great fear in the munchies community as shortages of Cheetos and Spicy Doritos appear imminent. The government convened in an emergency session Saturday afternoon, and assures the populace that any shortages will be met with a swift and decisive import of chocolate bars, funions, fresh mushroom pizzas, and rocky road ice cream from Buffalo and Seattle. These cities have notoriously hoarded munchies from their liberal neighbours to the north over the last several decades, in order to fatten up their civilian militias under fear of invasion.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has assured former Vice President Dick Cheney that the new law is not letting the terrorists win, but simply mellowing them out, and kindly asking them to relax a bit.