Absolute Best Top-Five Halloween Costumes Ever!

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It’s never too early to begin planning your Halloween costume, especially if you are looking ahead to 2012’s Halloween!  By planning now, you can avoid the ultimate societal faux pas of showing up at a Halloween party dressed exactly like a fellow party person.

Of course, if there are more than two of you showing up in, let’s say, Harry Potter costumes (we’ll assume the year is 1997 for a minute…), then the social misgivings are lifted and it becomes hilarious.

The humor factor increases exponentially as the amount of Harry Potters in the room increases.  There is a cap on this caveat, however, at five Harry Potters.  Any more than that and it becomes simply ridiculous and you should all be ashamed of yourselves!

Harry Potter would have been an acceptable costume idea in the late-nineties, and an absolutely perplexing costume in the early-nineties, but time has moved on and so should you!  Fortunately, I am here to provide not only my wisdom, but also enhance your Halloween costume party experience (I am nothing, if not generous!).

That being said, here are the top five Halloween costumes:

5.  42nd Vice President of these United States, Walter Mondale.  The Mondale costume is one which had been quite popular with all the hip kids in the mid-nineties.  This Halloween season, though, retro is back in and you will be a beacon of fashion dressed as this fine man.

To assemble your costume, be sure to dress in a conservative suit.  Tie your, well, tie properly in a timeless squared-knot.  Accentuate with a pair of glasses, but keep them simple or risk being labeled unauthentic by all those Halloween-party-attending history buffs out there.

Advantage:  A Halloween costume like this shows you mean business… with your Halloween costumes!  Also, your impeccable history knowledge will make you the belle of the ball (or the male equivalent).

Disadvantage:  Should you wind up at a Halloween party with an uncostumed Walter Mondale, things could get rather awkward and it would be thoroughly confusing for all the guests.  Perhaps you should continue reading the list…

4.  Ghost.  This novel approach most likely has never been done before.  Since ghosts are obviously pale, use a white sheet and cut two holes out for your eyes (can’t have you stumbling blindly through the Halloween party!).  By following this completely original Halloween costume technique, you will look like an actual ghost and scare the dickens out of the other guests.

Advantage:  Your costume is guaranteed to be the most realistic and authentic at any Halloween party.  Plus, it is tremendous fun to say “boo.”

Disadvantage:  Terrifying all the other guests might leave you alone in a large room with a tub of apples bobbing in water and “The Monster Mash” playing on a nearby stereo.  Additionally, if anyone thinks the year is still 1984 and comes dressed as a “Ghostbuster,” you could run into some issues if they shoot you with their proton pack.

3.  Ghostbuster.  If either of the top two Halloween costume options on this list do not appeal to you (and how could they not… they’re the top two options!), give some thought towards going as one of Director Ivan Reitman’s Ghostbusters.  Simply don a dark beige jumpsuit, apply some clever patches, and build a fully-functioning proton pack (be careful not to cross the streams with any fellow Ghostbusters…).

Advantage:  If any ghost shows up at the Halloween party, you can bust them.  Remember, you ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts!

Disadvantage:  Your odds of being “slimed” are significantly increased by choosing this option.  Consider yourself warned.

2.  The Hamburglar.  A Halloween costume like this satisfies two of the typical American’s greatest interests:  fast food hamburgers and crime.

Americans love crime stories.  If there is any doubt to this, check out the viewer stats for Nancy Grace.

Americans love fast food hamburgers, especially McDonald’s.  If there is any doubt to this, consider the fact that McDonald’s was never in any jeopardy due to the recent economic “corrections” (this column is intended to be light-hearted, so the phrase “complete and devastating collapses, which resulted in tons of pain, suffering, and job loss” was not used…).

Combine the two great interests and attend the premiere Halloween parties costumed as everyone’s favorite, on the lam, and ever-stylish (with the red tie, et al.), hamburger addict!

Advantage:  You can spend all night eating burgers and saying “robble, robble” and you’ll remain in character!

Disadvantage:  If any cops from the 1940’s come around, they will surely recognize the black and white horizontal stripes as typical prison fashion from their time period (in spite of the tie, hat, and mask… options which simply were not available at your typical federal penitentiary) and may throw you back in the slammer.  While in the pen, you will be faced with an array of the most horrible dangers and assaults.  Of course, this risk is definitely worth it for the ability to spend your Halloween walking around and saying “robble, robble.”

1.  Santa.  This doesn’t even need any explanation.

Advantage:  Wearing the coolest Halloween costume should be enough advantage in and of itself, but the popularity you will gain from dressing like the jolliest man on Earth will aid in your career (expect a huge promotion), love life (your significant other will be incredibly turned on), and stop hair loss (one can assume…).  You just might even be able to broker world peace, provided your costume is authentic enough!

Disadvantage:  None.

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