How to attract men – it’s easier than you think

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The world is full of men, just like the world is full of women that want to date men. Every year, billions of dollars are spent on make-up, clothes, gym classes and all sorts of things that have the ultimate goal of attracting a mate. It is surprising then, why so few women take the time to learn the only fail safe way to date any man in the world; the football offside rule. If you live in North America, it’s called soccer, and it’s also the only place where you might run into males that are immune to the power of the offside.

If you read and learn the ancient knowledge in this article, you will immediately have bypassed 99.9% of the competition for your man’s heart. You will become virtually irresistible to any male, before you’ve even thought about doing your hair, or applied any form of make-up. Such is the power of the offside rule.

Just like all women are born with an uncanny ability to always call, or want a hug, or need assistance during the last 10 minutes of any important sports event, men are born with an instinctive knowledge of when a player is offsides in football. He will judge any potential female mate on their ability to grasp and understand the offside rule, or in the very least not ask about the rules for every instance of their application. If you can understand and explain this rule to him, he will immediately consider you a perfect companion.

So, if the offside rule is so important to attracting males, why is it so little used? The answer is twofold, first, many women still erroneously believe that ‘looking hot’ or knowing all of the sex tips off the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine are the best ways to a mans heart. Second, while not very complicated, the concept of offsides in football seems to be virtually incomprehensible to the female mind. It seems like just like a man is biologically incapable of telling the difference between eggshell, antique white, and off white colors, women are somehow biologically at a disadvantage when it comes to understanding the offside rule. As a result, learning the offside rule will require lots of hard mental training, but once you understand the timeless principles, you will be able to use them to your advantage for the rest of your life. So, if you feel you are ready to receive the holy grail of male attraction, brace yourself for the knowledge ahead. You might have to read the following passages several times before it makes any sense, but when you see the light, you will have the knowledge to attract and date any man in the world.

So, what is offside? Amazingly, this profound knowledge can be expressed in a single sentence:

Offsides is when the ball is passed to a player who is closer to the opposing goal line than the second to last defender.

That’s it, so singularly simple, yet so mysteriously difficult to grasp. Any male will be able to give you this definition at the drop of a hat, any woman will look like you just explained quantum physics. The rest of this article will be dedicated to explaining in detail what this offside rule really means.

The first stumble block of understanding offsides, is that it’s not applied to the positioning of the players to the pitch, it relies solely on the positioning of the players in relation to each other. So, women who have successfully understood the offside rules of American football, or hockey will be confused, since there’s not set lines on the pitch where you are offsides or not. In football, offsides is determined at the instant the ball is passed to a player, which causes massive amounts of confusion for people trying to understand what offside really is. That means that the positioning of the players is only relevant right when the ball is passed to the attacker, if the attacking player is closer to the goal than the second to last defender when this happens, the player is offsides. DO NOT FORGET that the goalie counts as one of the defenders when determining offsides. If you keep this fact always at the front of your mind, you might even be able to one-up some men when talking about offsides, since the goalie is often forgotten when explaining this rule. In the actual game of football, the distinction is of little value since it never ever happens that the goalie is not one of the last two defenders, but for the purpose of dazzling with your theoretical knowledge of offsides, the often forgotten goalie can be a great advantage.

Now, the passage above was painful and seemed to go on forever, I know. Also, most likely it made no sort of sense. Don’t despair, this is normal. You have just experienced something that your boyfriend or husband or any male friend of yours experience whenever they enter a shoe store. No matter how noble the intent, upon entering a shoe store the male brain will shut down and go into a holding pattern until returning to the normal world. In this stage, getting a meaningful comment about shoe styles, colors or similar will be very difficult. Reading about the offside rule seems to do the same to a woman, although the words themselves are clearly understandable, faced with the concept of offside, the female mind recoils. Unfortunately, there is no way past the last paragraph. You have to read and re-read it until you understand, it might help to record some football matches and replay the different offside rulings while reading that paragraph. Don’t worry, the commentators will almost always proclaim when an offside has occurred, they want to be as clear as any other man about the fact that they have immaculate understanding of the offside rule.

If you memorize the offside rule, and understand the explanation, you are already at a great advantage in the dating game. You could walk away from this article with a new tool that will dramatically improve your chances with every man, but for those who want it all, you can read on and learn how to apply your new knowledge while actually watching football!

I understand, watching football might seem as tempting as getting your knuckles crushed with a hammer, but if you follow these steps you will be able to enter into the most sacred male domains, and stand firm without making a complete fool of yourselves. If you can follow your man all the way into watching a football game with style, he will do anything to make you his.

Advanced offside application – when is offsides not offsides?

If you want to know offsides, and impress every single male in the world by applying that knowledge while actually watching a game, you have to also learn the times when what seems to be an obvious offside is not. Memorize these points well, lest you yell for offsides when clearly some special circumstance has negated said offside.

You can not be offsides on a throw in. It’s beyond the scope of this article to explain throw ins, but if you see someone picking up the ball and throwing it with their hands it’s normal. Do not under any circumstance express excitement or disbelief that suddenly someone picked up the ball. Just play it cool and remember that there can be no offside when someone (other than the goalkeeper) throws the ball.

You can not be offsides on your own half. If a player is on their own half of the pitch, they can not be offside. The pitch is divided by a center line that makes it easy to see what side of the pitch a player is on. If the ball is passed to a player that is still on his own half, he is not offsides. It doesn’t have to make sense, it’s just the way it is.

You can not be offside on a corner kick. Whenever the ball is kicked back into play from one of those little flags in each corner, no one can be offside.

You can not be offside if the ball is closer to the goal than you. Now this expeption can be confusing, and actually happens quite often, so it’s important to understand this clearly. As you know by now, offsides is determined when the ball is passed to another player. If the ball is passed backwards, meaning from a player who is closer to the goal line, there is automatically no offside. Note that the ball can still travel forwards, as long as the player was further from the goal when it was passed. This exception typically takes place when two or more players have broken free behind the defense. It might be a good idea to just stay out of these discussions unless you are 100% sure that you understand this concept.

If a player is offsides, but does not show any interest in getting the ball, the offside will not be enforced. This is a relatively new interpretation of offside, but if you see the ball passed to a player who just keeps running slowly the wrong way, and showing no interest in the ball, he was offsides and is ignoring the ball so the offside ruling won’t have to be enforced. Sometimes this means another player who was not offside can get the ball without a call being made. These situations always cause a great opportunity to start a fight about the call. The official rule is that ‘only a player that affects the play can be called offside’. This means it’s open to interpretation if the play should have been offsides or not. While this might sound daunting, luckily arguing over offsides is easy: If your potential boyfriend’s team was attacking, it was not offside, if they are defending, it was offside.

Finally, you can never be offsides if the ball is passed from an opposing player. If the ball is passed from on of the defenders and ends up with the attacker, he is not offside. This happens rarely, but it is an important rule to know. Keep mental track of the different color shirts the players are wearing. If there’s a color miss match between the passer and the attacker, it most likely could not have been offside.

That’s all that’s to it. The entire body of how to attract men can be described in a few pages of text. I understand it’s boring and terrible to read about offside, that it goes against everything you find remotely interesting or meaningful, but when it comes to impressing the males of this world, there is no more powerful knowledge.

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