Welcome to Hell! To better serve you and make your eternity miserable we ask that you take a few minutes to read this. While it is not required it is recommended for you to familiarize yourself with Hell.
1. Do not address The Devil by calling him El Diablo or any of the other names for him you may have heard while you were alive. You may call him Spike which is highly urged. He’s a huge fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
2. The Devil does not wear Prada. He wears jeans and a tee shirt. Dress slacks on special occasions. Remember this when you are buying for him. Gift day for The Devil is every Friday. Be prepared and make sure to wrap your gift.
3. Commenting that the “Devil Made Me Do It” must be substantiated with proof that the Devil actually did make you do it. You can pick up the necessary forms from the Office Of Satan Approval.
4. It is a well known fact that hell is hot. Do not constantly remind others of this by telling them it is hot as hades down here.
5. Diving in the pool of eternal fire is not allowed. No running on deck.
6. Teasing demons, imps and any other creatures of hell is strictly forbidden. They have feelings too.
7. You are required to attend the weekly talent contest. Failure to vote for The Devil’s comedy act will result in severe disciplinary action.
8. Adam Sandler is not and never has been The Devil’s son. The Devil’s son, Skip, is currently attending Beelzebub Middle School.
9. Wailing and gnashing of teeth is optional.
10. Committing the seven deadly sins is encouraged. Workshops and lectures on the subject are held on Wednesdays in the north wing of the River Styx Community Center. Be sure to sign up for this hands on learning experience.
11. Bragging about your sins is considered rude. The Devil has first bragging rights for all sins. In fact, The Devil has all bragging rights.
12. Telling residents to “go to hell” is redundant and pointless.
13. Roasting marshmallows over the pits of hell without inviting The Devil is considered bad etiquette.
14. Due to problems in the past, socializing with serial killers is discouraged. We like to keep Hell clean.
15. Sign up for a Perdition 401k savings plan. You’ll be sorry you did.
We hope that your stay here will be as unpleasant as possible. If, at any time, you start to like being in Hell please let your counselor know immediately. He or she will be able to advise you on how to cope with the situation.
Please don’t enjoy your stay.