Sometimes laughter is the best medicine in life, even under the most trying of circumstances, I remember quite a few years ago when in small battle in the Yemen some of us crying with laughter, the events leading up to this laughter was at the time quite serious. In addition, when the dust had settled I ended up having the biggest rollicking of my soldier life. It went something like this.
Me. Watch em lads watch em; they are trying to creep up to chucking distance.
Mate on the left of me. Do you think I am blind or something I can fucking see em.
Mate on the right of me. Well frigging pop em will you before it’s to late.
Mate on left of me. What the fuck do think I am trying to do, the bastards will not keep still.
Me. What do you won’t them to do stand up and say look at me kill me.
Mate on right of me. Frigging twat always the comedian.
Its then I look around and see that our officer is missing, now the officer is one of those with a plum in his mouth, he had been given to us to get himself some battle experience. Moreover he was not one of us he was a Guards officer who thought he was a cut above all of us Special force soldiers. Now we did not give a toss what this officer thought of us, we were the elite of the British fighting force who did not like shirkers, now as I saw it this Rupert was shirking is duty, not only that he was doing it in the heat of Battle.
I let of a round or two and look around again he was still missing, it’s no use I shouted this is winding me up, the little snot rag is missing all the fun and besides we could do with a little more fire power. Where is he I shouted?
Mate on the left of me shouted back, in the pit trying to bring in an air strike.
Me well what’s keeping him?
Mate. I don’t know why don’t you go and ask him.
Me. Good idea.
So of I went at a crouch to the pit were we had the radio.
Me. Oh your there are you.
Officer, yes what do you want?
Me, what do I want.
Officer, yes what do you want?
Me, just thought you might like to make me a nice mug of tea, what the fuck do you think I want.
Officer, don’t you dare talk to me like that.
Me, talk to like that, if you don’t get your arse back up to the front I will drag you back by the scuff of your neck. SIR.
Officer going red in the face, for your information I am trying to call up an air strike to get us all out of this mess.
Me, oh really well what’s keeping you.
Officer, if you must know I am trying to use the code book but I keep getting it wrong.
Me, what fucking code book.
Officer, the code book we have been using all week to talk to HQ, so that the rebels don’t know what we are talking about. And don’t guess were we are.
Me you fucking tosser, they already know were we are who the fuck do you think it is out there the frigging pixies, God give me strength over useless twats like you.
Officer, oh so you don’t think I should be using the code book.
Me, rolling my eyes to heaven. Just tell them were we are, at the best they will hear what you are saying and slink of, at the worst they will make a last ditch attempt to get to us, and that will make them easy pickings, now just send it.
Officer, oh I see what you mean. Good idea.
So he sends the message, looks back at me and says they will be here in 15 minuets.
Me OK sir lets get back to the front they could do with a bit of help.
Officer, good idea, and by the way we will say no more of what been said down here
Me, fine by me sir.
So we go back up take our positions, and I shout out loud, guess what this little shits been doing lads.
The officer just looked at me with a look of shear malevolence and his reply was drowned out by the crash of the airstrike.
Two weeks later I was in front of my commanding officer and he was giving me the biggest rollicking of my life.
The officer got the biggest medal that I have seen, and I got the biggest rollicking. Well that life isn’t it.