Three Reasons Why My Fantasy Football Team Will Be Better Than Yours

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Note: As smack talked by that annoying guy you have to let in your fantasy football league because he’s your boss, brother-in-law, saved your life, gave you a kidney, got you into the best Super Bowl party ever, or has a hot sister with even hotter friends.

Last Year: I had either Drew Brees or Jay Cutler in three of my five fantasy leagues, and that’s not even counting that other league where I had them both. Granted, that one was the Yahoo! Sports auto-draft league, and granted, there’s a snowball’s chance in hell something like that will happen this year—or ever again.

But you just watch. Adrian Peterson. Tom Brady. Michael Crabtree. Yeah, I know he hasn’t signed with the 49ers yet, but when he ends his holdout he will be mine. And he will wreak havoc in the league. And then you will truly fear The Wrath of Flan.

Maurice Jones-Drew: Explosive. That’s all I need to say, but you and me both know I’m not a one word kind of guy. You saw that commercial where the kids bury him in the sand up to his neck, right? Dude, anyone who can bust out of  sand like that is a must-take.

But you chuckleheads will pass on him because he can’t possibly have a fantasy season this year like he had last year. Pass all you want. I won’t. Your loss. The Flan wins.

The Wrath of Flan: My secret weapon. See, I name my fantasy team some goofy, geeky, obscure name few know, fewer get, and even fewer have tasted. Mind games.

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