How to Survive an Undead Apocalypse

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Step 1

First, know the enemy. There is a slight, but noticeable difference between the undead and the merely brain dead. Some people have, in the past, thought they were witnessing the beginning of a zombie uprising when they were just at the mall, or in line at the DMV. It is also important to note that zombies cannot use telephones, so those are legitimate calls from telemarketers, customer service representatives, and collections agents.

Step 2

You need a fortress. What, you don’t have one? Weren’t you prepared?!? Well, fear not! The world is full of perfectly built and stocked fortresses for you. Such places as inner city high schools, prisons, and warehouses are good; but for my money, you can’t get any better than your local Super Walmart. I know what you’re thinking; “How can everyday low prices help me to survive an undead apocalypse?” Well, I’ll tell you. Walmart has it all. You have both fresh and canned food, TVs to watch if anyone is still broad casting, plenty of makeshift weapons, bottles of rubbing alcohol and oil for Molotov cocktails, first aid supplies, and the kicker; if you live in the Southern United States, the odds are your Super Walmart has guns and ammo (and beer, but that’s for later)!! Walmart is highly defensible; with the only weakness the glass doors at the front, but those can be fortified. They even have a garden center that is outside and usually completely fenced off. Using the bags of fill dirt and fertilizer, plus the seeds they sell, you can now grow your own food with out fear of the undead.

Step 3

Form a chain of command and enforce it. The last thing you want is too many chiefs and not enough Indians. People running willy-nilly with their own ideas of what is best to do and not sharing them with others or actually working out if it is safe and viable, will create a fantastic smorgasbord for the ravenous hordes of undead patiently waiting outside your doors.

Step 4

Save everyone you can. This is two-fold. First, it’s your civic duty to save as many people as you can; your karma will thank you. Second, let’s be realistic. Everyone you take on will be an additional drain on resources, but they are also a security force and a last ditch escape tool. It’s rather like swimming in waters known to have sharks. They say you should swim in numbers because it’s safer, but hey have also been known to say that it’s safer for everyone but the slowest swimmer. The same thing holds true for zombies. This is where those telemarketers, collection agents, lawyers and such come in handy. Lets face it, even if worse comes to worse and they get turned, most will likely never even know the difference.

Step 5

Realize you will have to move sometime. You can’t stay in Walmart forever. Sooner or later you will need to move to a new location, if for no other reason than to scavenge. Luckily, lots of people go to Walmart, and when they started getting eaten, probably forgot their vehicles. This may even be true if your Walmart just got a big delivery, and you can jack a semi-truck. You will be able to fortify it before you leave.

Step 6

Rebuild. Even Walmart looses it’s flair after a while. You’ll need to collect as many pockets of humanity together in an easily defensible area and rebuild. But make sure someone in your team is good at feng-shui. It is well known that zombies hate good feng-shui.


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