I dreaded going to funerals. Gloomy, sad, and scary they always made me question life. I thought about his death all night long, and now it was finally time for me to go to his funeral, I just wanted this to be over. I got out of bed and went in the bathroom. Looking in the mirror I noticed that my eyes were blood shot red. They were probably like that because I had cried myself to sleep the night before. I closed the bathroom door and sat on the toilet. I thought to myself “wow I can’t believe I’m getting ready to go to a funeral for Rell, wow.” Pulling myself together I gained enough strength, sluggishly getting in the shower; I slowly picked up my towel to begin washing my body, as I stood in the hot steamy shower, the hot water just streamed over my body, at this moment I couldn’t think of how to actually take a shower, the only thing on my mind was LaRell. Once getting out of the shower I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, I could barely function so I did the simplest hair style possible.
By this time I was in my room getting dressed. I heard my mother walking slowly past my room.
“Christian, hurry up, we don’t want to be late…that’s rude.”
“Ma, here I come, I don’t want to be late either, and in fact I don’t want to go at all, I don’t want to see him like that.”
“Christian, please just hurry up, no one wants to see him like that”
…I knew how my mom felt about this whole thing, but she knew how I felt as well. Finally I was done putting on the rest of my clothes so I waited on my mom to get in the car, it was my cousin, my granny, my mom, and I. My mama finally got in the car…We could tell she had been crying. My grandma looked over at her and rubbed her on her back, which was her way of comforting someone.
“Jacqui, it will be ok; my grandmother said in a soft voice, it will be ok.”
The rest of the ride to the funeral home was quiet, no one said anything, you could see fear on everyone’s face, and we were all afraid thinking about where we were headed. Once making it to the funeral home, everyone sat in the car in silence for a moment, when I decided to break the silence.
“Ok, I think we should go in, I’m sure it’s about to start.”
We all slowly got out of the car with defiant looks upon our faces.
As we walked into the funeral home I felt my heart drop. I looked to the front and the first thing I saw was his casket with people surrounding it. It was also birthday balloons and cards aside the casket, it then dawned on me that today was his birthday. Right then the tears began to fall; I looked around the room and saw despondent looks upon everyone’s face, covered in tears.
We all walked in and took our seats. The sermon went on for about 20 minutes when they began to read the obituary. After the obituary reading everyone said happy birthday to him.
The speaker went up to the microphone, and I knew he was about to announce me.
“Now we will have a poem, written and read by Christian Dills, he said in a tender voice.”
Suddenly I felt a streak of dizziness at this moment, I was scared, I wanted to read the poem, but I was afraid of what might happen when I got up there, I could have a nervous break down or something, who knows? Rell and I had a very close relationship; he was a very good friend. We’d known each other for 10 years, and it was unbelievable that I was about to read a poem at his funeral. Walking to the pew, I looked out to everyone sitting and then down to see his casket, again the tears began to fall.
“Hello, some of you may know me, for those that don’t; I’m Christian Dills, a very close friend of Rell’s. I have known Rell for 10 years of my life, 10 years that I will always remember.”…
The tears came harder. “Its ok baby, a lady said who was sitting” I shook my head assuring her that I would be fine.
“I wrote this poem for Rell, and the name of it is Missing You”
As I began to read the poem I could feel my throat tightening…
“I know the day will come for me to see you again, I swallowed deeply, to catch my breath, “but until then I will be missing you.
I know that you are in a better place, but I can never stop missing you.
I know that the love I have for you is unconditional, and the times we shared are unforgettable, and that’s why I know I’ll be missing you.
I hope you are smiling down on me to see that I’m being content as I could possibly be, but my heart still hurts because for ever I will be missing you and never will I ever forget you.
“Be strong honey, I heard another lady say” I looked up and smiled.
I know that day will come, so until then, I love you and I will forever miss you…”
After I was done reading the poem I couldn’t say anything else, I had a knot in my throat, and my eyes were blurry from the tears. Everyone was clapping as I walked back to my seat. “Bless her heart” I heard someone say. I sat down and all that was running through my mind was, why him? And what was the purpose for life or death… I couldn’t take it any more I walked out and went in the bathroom and broke down on the floor, these were the tears that I tried so hard to keep in, yet a memory that I will never forget.